But not for the reason you might think.
I’ve been on a mission of self-improvement for many years, that right now is all about getting my physical health and body back into shape.
So a while back I decided to put a stake in the ground by taking a ‘before’ pic — in an old bikini, scrounged up from the back of my wardrobe underneath all the other items I keep hanging onto for the day I can fit back into them.
You know the pic I’m talking about — the internet is full of them — cellphone in hand in a full length mirror.
Will save you the trauma of my unfiltered ‘now’ pic, because trust me — it isn’t pretty!
In fact, I couldn’t get it off my camera roll quickly enough.
In between other photos of special moments, and pet cuteness overload — my ‘naked’ form was so disturbing that I couldn’t bear to look at it, or an even more awful prospect…that my husband or daughter might see it.
BUT, being committed to my physical transformation and hoping that at some point it’s going to be an ‘after’ source of pride — I didn’t delete it.
Instead, I buried it in a series of sub-folders, like a dark shameful secret.
And then, not sure really what possessed me — but I felt a strong pull to go back into this folder and to really look at myself.
It takes real courage to fully face our naked selves.
At first all I saw was the extra weight, my dimpled thighs and bald head (I suffer from Alopecia Totalis).
It was confronting. Disappointing. Even disgusting to me.
It was hard to reconcile this ‘thing’ before me, that was so at odds with the version of me I thought I’d been projecting to the world — capable, in control, confident, attractive even.
I felt ashamed.
And then something in my perspective shifted. Maybe it was my soul whispering to me. A voice usually drowned out by the noise in my head and the busy-ness of my life.
The voice was gentler than my usual critic, and encouraged me to look deeper.
And what I began to see, was this…
A physical me that has walked through literal fire in my 53 years so far. Through childhood and adult trauma, addiction, and more — without breaking down irreparably. That when my overwhelmed mind had said, ‘I can’t do this life anymore’ — a heart had answered…‘Yes you can — hold on, this feeling will pass’. And so I did, and it did.
And that’s when a deeper shame hit me.
Not shame for how I look, but shame for how unkindly I’ve treated my body.
All the criticism, stress, and unhealthy choices I’ve carelessly thrown at it — just expecting it to keep showing up strong.
I mean, think about it for a sec — how miraculous are our bodies?
They live, breathe and heal — all without instruction.
And, if you’re anything like I’ve been, they take all the punishment we give them, but still faithfully keep trying to maintain balance — keep supplying the energy we need to live fully.
Our bodies are not only a record of our past experience (in mental memory and physical adaptation) but also house all the energy needed for our future.
It’s literally the jumping off place for the materialisation of anything you still want to achieve.
This really was my biggest ‘aha’ moment.
I’m realising that my physical form is not just a physical body. It’s a physical being.
I have so many dreams still and experiences on my ‘bucket list’. And how are these going to come about?
Definitely not through some millionaire stranger who just happens to single me out in the grocery payment queue with an offer to sponsor my new business idea. Nor through the therapist or gym instructor, who will yes…guide me — but aren’t going to do the work.
No. It’s this body that’s going to get me there. The same one that’s carried me through hardship without me fully appreciating it was doing all the heavy lifting.
So yah…when I look at my ‘before’ pic through the lens of conventional beauty standards, it’s still not easy to feel delighted by it. I’m only human after all.
But, and it’s a HUGE BUT…
I think I’m properly done with all the harsh judgement.
From here on, I’m going to do my best to better appreciate what my body’s been through — and even if I don’t always get it right, my promise to my body is to start being a whole lot kinder and to nurture it…way better.
Because it’s a real hero!
