Why We Regress Into Our Childhood Selves When We Go Home To Parents

There’s no place like home to turn you right back into the person you were before thousands of dollars worth of therapy and all that “inner child work.”

Something about being in the same vicinity with your much older, but still likely very much the same parents, can remind you that you haven’t changed all that much, either.

Think you’ve outgrown the petty, catty arguments you used to have with your mom as a teenager? Nope. Turns out you haven’t — you’re right back in fighting mode.

Think you’ve outgrown your avoidant attachment tendencies, only to find yourself stonewalling your parents anytime they try to go deeper? Welcome to the I’ve-regressed-back-at-home club.

“When we go home, it’s like our attachment system goes, ‘Oh, I know this place,’” said Jennifer Chappell Marsh, a marriage and family therapist in San Diego, California.

“Our old roles and coping strategies were formed long before we had adult skills or confidence, so, even if we feel strong and grounded now in our adult lives, being back with our parents can pull us into those younger versions of ourselves,” she said.

Not because we are failing, Chappell Marsh said, “but because our body remembers how we used to seek closeness, avoid conflict, or stay safe in that environment.”

It’s “just” a trip back home and you may love your parents on the whole. But your nervous system may be more triggered by the people and places where you experienced developmental trauma ― or just some run-of-the-mill family beef, said Natalie Moore, a therapist and owner of Space for Growth therapy and coaching.

“For example, let’s say you always felt as though your emotional needs were ignored as a child, and a situation occurs in the present where your feelings and needs get dismissed,” Moore said. “This stress can make you less connected to the smart, rational parts of your brain and activate the more emotional, reactive parts of your brain.”

This tendency is a well-known phenomenon in psychology, known as associative regression.

“From an attachment perspective, it’s really about old survival strategies like people-pleasing or shutting down being reactivated by familiar dynamics,” Chappell Marsh said. “These outdated coping strategies can come back online fast when we’re around the people who helped shape them.”

You’re clearly not alone, and the therapists we spoke with offered a range of guidance that they often give clients on regression. Below, a few tips on how to stay calm, cool and collected ― not disappointingly childlike ― the next time you head home.

If you’re honest with yourself that you don’t expect your visit to be easier ― your dad will make a snide comment about your fiancée because he’s never liked anyone you’ve dated, your mom will bombard you with questions about why your work is not promoting you ― you can game out how you’ll handle it all in advance, said Chappell Marsh said.

“One of the biggest ways you can help yourself is to simply expect it,” she said. “When you can name the pattern ahead of time, you have more room to choose a different response.”

Your inner dialogue can help you stay chill in moments like this. Some of Chappell Marsh’s favorite mantras? “I can be the adult I am now, even if old feelings show up.” “I get to choose how I respond today.” “I’m safe, I’m grown, and I can take care of myself.”

Be sure to give yourself a little breathing room during and around the time you’re spending with your folks, Moore said. A buffer before could look like spending the day doing something nourishing for you, whether that’s a round of golf or just sleeping in and bed rotting the day before.

“This puts your nervous system into a state of safety and provides you more emotional bandwidth for family time,” she told HuffPost.

A buffer during could look like taking a quick breather outside to connect with your adult self when you notice yourself slipping back into old behavior.

“Or you could squeeze your partner’s hand under the dinner table if an insensitive comment is being made,” she said. “You could also practice saying a self-compassionate statement to yourself in your head, like ’this feels hard, but it’s going to be OK.”

After spending time with family, you may want to have a debrief, whether that’s having a vent session with a friend or sibling. “Or try a few tension-release activities like intense exercise or breathing exercises with a focus on the exhale or shaking out all of the limbs,” she said.

Let’s say you get activated by something your parents say. This time around, as an adult just visiting, you can choose a more rational, unruffled response, said Liz Higgins, a therapist and founder of Millennial Life Counseling in Dallas, Texas.

“From that calmer, more grounded place, the wise, more adult you can take a breather and return to the table and choose a response rather than react from the old wound,” she said.

Higgins said that might look like

• changing the subject

• setting a boundary kindly but firmly

• ignoring the comment without abandoning yourself

• shortening the interaction

• leaving early without guilt

Remember, she said, “the goal isn’t to change your mother or father; it’s to stay connected to yourself.”

Family knows how to push your buttons because they put them there, Moore said. So when attempting to make changes in this area, be gentle with yourself: “Focus on progress, not perfection.”