What To Do If You Can’t Afford A Bachelorette Party?

In her 35 years as a travel agent, Susan has planned and attended numerous bachelorette parties. She was even a bridesmaid 12 times in one year.

“I remember telling my husband that we were working that year just to be in bridal parties,” she said.

It might sound like an exaggeration, but the cost of attending a bachelorette party has risen in recent years. According to a survey from The Knot, guests spend an average of $1,300 on food, accommodations and activities. The price goes up for celebrating in a metropolitan city or traveling to a destination party.

“I’ve seen bachelorette parties evolve from single-night outings into multi-day destination events,” said Michelle Durpetti, owner and lead planner at Michelle Durpetti Events. “Social media has certainly fueled this change. Bachelorette weekends now resemble mini-vacations, complete with coordinated wardrobes, curated itineraries and professional photography.”

Between the financial investment and pressure to create Instagram-worthy moments, you might be tempted to skip an over-the-top bachelorette party. Should you go? Will the bride understand if you don’t?

Below, Susan and other experienced bachelorette guests, who asked to use only their first names to protect their privacy, discuss how they handled invitations to an elaborate bachelorette party.

A study from Empower found that 48% of Americans hope they don’t get asked to be in a bridal or groomsman party because of the expense.

“You’re paying for meals, transportation and a hotel stay, and normally, the bachelorettes will split the cost of the guests of honor,” Susan said. “As a bridesmaid, you also have to pay for your dress, shoes, hair and makeup.”

Despite the cost, Susan has always found a way to fulfill her bridesmaid duties, whether it means sharing a hotel room or shortening the trip. “If possible, we make a compromise, like changing the destination, so that everyone can attend,” she said. “You have to be honest with the whole group and say, ’Here’s what everyone feels comfortable paying.’”

When a friend opted for a destination wedding, Cassandra, a Colorado-based marketing specialist, felt honored to be in the wedding party but was nervous about the costs. “I ended up attending the bachelorette party, which included flights, lodging, pitching in for activities, and alternating with other bridesmaids to pay for the bride’s drinks throughout the trip,” she said. “Though I could have declined to go, I was happy I had that experience.”

Tori, a Colorado-based consultant, said that bachelorette parties have changed now that her friends are in their 30s.

“As ages have increased, so have the budgets, while proactive communication has decreased,” she said.

That’s why she’s taken it upon herself to be that guy — and ask about costs upfront. “Everyone else is thinking it,” she said, adding that she advocates for separate billing and bar tabs to avoid the extra stress.

When Aimée, a journalist and communications strategist in Greater New York, was asked to be in a friend’s bridal party, she discussed her concerns with the bride, including the time commitment, cost and that she’s “simply not the kind of person who gets excited about wedding planning,” she said. “I’ve joked that it was practically a PowerPoint presentation.”

However, the bride took this conversation differently, telling a mutual friend of theirs, “I can’t believe she’s making this about money.”

Although she was taken aback by the bride’s remarks, Aimée agreed to be in the wedding. She thought that declining the invitation would hurt their friendship.

Susan and Tori also mentioned not wanting to disappoint their friends. “You feel that you can’t say no, especially if they stood up for you,” Susan said.

Likewise, Tori adds, she didn’t want to burn a bridge by missing a significant life moment. “I want to celebrate these friends,” she said. “I just want to do it in a way that makes sense and aligns with the friendship we have.”

Another reason for saying yes to bachelorette parties and weddings is “not wanting someone to feel punished because they’re getting married at what might be seen as an older age,” Tori said. “In our 20s, we all jumped on these trips and planned our lives around them. If anything, I want to celebrate people who’ve taken their time finding their person.”

Angela had just returned to university when her high school best friend announced she was getting married in Italy and having a bachelorette party in Barcelona. The UK-based nutritionist was on a strict budget at the time.

“I wasn’t able to attend either event, and my friend was understanding,” she said. “We arranged a local event, and it was a lot of fun.”

Angela said she wishes more people would just be honest about finances and have the conversation with their friends, even if it’s awkward: “A true friend wouldn’t want you to get into debt for them, and equally, a true friend wouldn’t resent a bride for having the bachelorette party or wedding she wants,” she said. “It works both ways.”

As someone who values authenticity, Alyson, a licensed mental health counselor in New York, decided to opt out of her sister-in-law’s bachelorette trip to Cancun. Apart from the $3,000 price tag, she wasn’t thrilled about the festivities.

“I knew there would be a lot of drinking and that not going was the best choice for me,” she said. “I flew down to Florida for her engagement party, bridal shower and wedding, and I was there for her and my brother in every other way possible.”

Tori also described feeling frustrated by the typical bachelorette itinerary.

“I am now in my mid-30s with a mortgage and my own business,” she said. “Though I still like to have fun, going bar hopping with people over a decade younger than me, wearing matching black outfits, and taking Instagram photos isn’t what brings me joy.” She said she feels like there should be more input from guests who are committing their time and money.

Apart from bigger budgets, other factors are driving this trend. “Psychologically, multi-day bachelorette parties provide an opportunity to reclaim joy and build lasting memories with loved ones,” said Akua Boateng, a licensed psychotherapist.

After years of uncertainty and physical distancing, these gatherings answer our need to be seen, supported and celebrated in community, she added.

Durpetti agreed, noting how younger generations “want quality time, immersive travel and opportunities to celebrate together beyond the wedding day.” A recent client of hers held a “homies moon,” traveling with their closest friends and family for 10 days of celebration. “It extended the joy of the wedding into a once-in-a-lifetime group experience,” she said.

Another reason people tend to go big with bachelorette parties is the pressure to perform or demonstrate their success.

“Culturally, travel signals freedom and power,” Boateng said. “It has also become emblematic of status and happiness.”

These pressures are part of the reason that Aimée now calls herself a “retired bridesmaid.” She said that if the stability of a friendship depends on you being in their wedding, the friendship is already in jeopardy.

Boateng agreed, explaining that weddings and bachelorette parties present an “invitation” to reflect on how you can balance external expectations with being meaningfully present for your friend.