My maternal grandparents were married for a remarkable 65 years, remaining devoted to each other through good times and bad until, as many marital vows state: death did they part.
Was their marriage perfect? Not at all. My grandmother was born in Sicily, where passionate, fiery tempers are common. My grandfather had Calabrian roots, meaning his family was from a region in Southern Italy where people are also known for being hot-tempered and stubborn (as my grandmother informed me on numerous occasions when my grandfather had gotten in trouble with her yet again). Needless to say, there were plenty of animated arguments between them over the years.
Despite both having passionate Italian temperaments, their love endured for decades, and much can be gleaned from their marriage. My grandfather in particular was always doling out advice. Chief among his tips was always treating each other with respect and respecting the institution of marriage.
With decades of life experience under their belt, grandparents have much wisdom to impart. That includes marriage and its inevitable ups and downs.
“Much of the marriage advice grandparents pass down has stood the test of time because it reflects what modern relationship science now confirms,” explained Emily Longo, a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) with Silver Hill Hospital in Connecticut. “Grandparents may not use terms like ‘emotional responsiveness’ or ‘conflict repair,’ but some advice may be remarkably aligned to today’s values and boils down to: Marry someone you genuinely enjoy being with, be kind and don’t keep score.”
Read on for some of the marriage advice that grandparents from coast to coast would give their grandchildren.
Select a partner who can weather ups and downs.
At the risk of stating the obvious, choosing a life partner carefully is an important first step in laying the groundwork for a successful marriage. Finding someone who’s able to stick with a marriage through the bad times as well as the good can make a big difference. California resident Perry Solomon, a grandfather and author of “Grandpa Day: Nurturing Grit, Smarts, and Love in the Next Generation,” has shared this bit of advice with his own grandchildren.
“Choose a life partner who will not only celebrate your successes, but also stand beside you during times of failure,” Solomon told HuffPost. “We are all human and will experience failures along with successes. The support of your life partner during difficult times can be essential.”
Show love through actions, not just words.
In my own family, the saying “actions speak louder than words” is used nearly weekly. It’s a statement that applies to many situations, and Solomon says it applies to marriage, where each partner’s actions offer a meaningful way to show love and support.
“Show up, pay attention, and listen for the meaning behind what your life partner is saying,” advised Solomon. “Your actions will often matter far more than your words.”
Don’t expect perfection.
It can be helpful in a marriage or with any important relationship in your life to remember that no one is perfect, and that includes you.
“If you are expecting any person to be perfect, you will be disillusioned,” explained Ruth Nemzoff, a grandparent and author of “Don’t Roll Your Eyes: Making In-Laws Into Family” and “Don’t Bite Your Tongue: How to Foster Rewarding Relationships With Your Adult Children.”
“When you accept that the other person is imperfect, you gain the right to ask the other person to understand you, too,” Nemzoff said.
Both parties in a marriage will make mistakes, Nemzoff added. Both will be imperfect. “When you forgive someone else for their imperfections, you could ask that you too be forgiven,” Nemzoff said.
Give your partner the benefit of the doubt.
It’s only natural to get upset with your partner from time to time. But how you handle those feelings matters.
Washington state resident Naomi Aldort, grandmother of three and author of “Listen to Your Baby: Responding to Your Child’s Cues for Optimal Development and Joyful Connection,” said it’s important to give your significant other the benefit of the doubt.
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“Assume he or she meant well and ask questions that will help you understand the how or why,” advised Aldort. “My husband used to do things without my knowledge, like buying a new van. At the time, this angered me. I didn’t listen to his repeated words, ‘I am sparing you the trouble.’ He did spare me a lot of tedious difficulties.”
Those experiences taught Aldort to focus on identifying her husband’s intent and learning to appreciate the reason behind something he said or did. She advises others to do the same, even in cases when you’re asking your partner not to do the thing that may have upset you again in the future.
Forgive quickly.
The things that erode marriage satisfaction aren’t always the big things. A marriage can also be undermined by the small “irritating” things that seem to build up over time, said North Carolina resident Michelle Pippin, grandmother of four.
“The time he forgot to make dinner reservations for Valentine’s Day comes back up 18 months later when he forgot to get flowers for Mother’s Day,” explained Pippin, founder and CEO of Women Who WOW, a platform for women entrepreneurs. “Holding on to the small stuff has a way of eroding the joy and partnership you could be building in your marriage.”
Avoid defensive reactions.
When your spouse speaks harshly in moments of frustration or anger, try to react with mercy rather than anger.
“It may take some intentional effort to move past your defensive reaction, to finding compassion, yet it is the way to connect with his or her pain and offer compassion rather than self-centered anger,” Aldort explained.
Similarly, Aldort advised using the phrase “tell me more” when a partner is upset or angry, to help diffuse the situation.
“It’s an invitation for connection and care,” Aldort explained. “Use it when your partner is upset and accusative, or even hateful, and listen with your loving heart.”
You may even try asking: “‘What do you hate or feel hurt by me the most?’ You would be amazed at the connection this creates,” Aldort said.
Don’t give up your own interests.
Sometimes being part of a relationship can cause you to lose sight of your own interests and passions, especially during the course of years of marriage. But Joy Fox, author of “Finding Joy – My Life Began When I Pawned the Ring,” said one of the keys to her 55-year marriage was maintaining her own interests.
“Don’t try to change each other. Stay true to your own unique self; it makes you who you are,” Fox said.
“Don’t drown in the partner’s personality,” Fox added. “Find ways to enjoy those activities that you mutually enjoy, and find the time to pursue separately those interests that you enjoy.”
Translation: You don’t have to be joined at the hip for everything. Give each other the space to grow.
A firm foundation is essential.
Ultimately, no marriage is perfect. But enduring marriages often result from a strong foundation. And that foundation is typically based on fundamentals like: Do you enjoy each other’s company? Do you share the same approach to living? Do you share similar views on issues or areas of life that are important to you, whether it’s faith, family, politics or something else?
“People change and grow, but a firm foundation is really critical because every week, you’re continually building this marriage of yours,” Pippin said. “Fight the fights that matter and ignore the rest. Always come back to what you love to do together.”
