The thought of being in a relationship often haunts me. It’s like standing at the edge of a gate I can never quite enter. Even when my heart stirs with the hope of connection, something in me steps back before I even take the first step. I crave for love, yet I fear it. And maybe the problem is me.
I’ve never truly allowed myself to be sincerely close to someone. It’s not that I don’t long for connection — I do. But whenever there’s a chance, I sabotage it. I blow it out, push it away, or let it fade without a clear reason. Not because I want to hurt anyone, but because something inside me shuts down. My heart chooses distance before I can choose love. I can’t even explain the rejection — it just happens. It feels natural, even protective.
Yet, at night or in quiet moments, the thought of romance would run around my head — the sweetness of being understood, of having someone to lean on. I imagine what it would feel like to trust someone with all of me. To be seen. To be chosen. To not have to carry everything alone. I want that. And yet, I don’t.
It feels cruel, even to myself, how I fixate on people’s flaws. I magnify tiny imperfections until they blot out all their goodness. Small quirks become deal-breakers. A moment of awkwardness becomes a warning sign. Even when I do like someone, I ghost them when things feel too close. Because deep down, I fear that if I let someone in, I’ll get hurt.
Sometimes, I blindly blame it all on the family I grew up in. A home where expressing emotion was never safe. A home that praised strength and shunned softness. A home where I learned to keep everything inside, because no one really wanted to listen. It’s where I learned that emotions are burdens, not bridges. That independence is survival. That needing someone is dangerous.
And maybe that’s why I am the way I am.
But it frustrates me how I always regret it after pushing someone away. I wish I could love fully, without the pit of fear that always opens beneath me. I wish I could stop worrying about things that don’t matter. I wish I could stop sabotaging the good before it has a chance to grow. Most of all, I wish they could understand that I’m not ignoring them. I’m just struggling to find my peace.
