When you’re going through a breakup, it’s sometimes comforting to hear a cliché or two — however cheesy they may be. It feels nice when a well-meaning friend reminds you there are “other fish in the sea” and when your mom says, “Well, when one door closes, another one opens.”
It’s why the TikTok-viral “train station theory” is so helpful, too. It suggests that life is a lot like a train as it wanders through winding tracks, occasionally stopping at stations. People get on and off, reminding those who need it that not every relationship is meant to last. When you’re in the midst of a breakup, this metaphor can really put things in perspective.
According to Lisa Chen, LMFT, a licensed psychotherapist and founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy, the train station theory reminds you that connections are always changing. Some people are in your life forever, while others are there for a short moment before they hop off at the next “stop.”
The theory applies to relationships of all kinds, but it can be especially useful after a breakup. It doesn’t necessarily make a breakup easier, but it does provide a mindset shift, especially if you decided to part ways on a good note and aren’t sure you made the right choice. Here’s what to know.
Train Station Theory & Breakups
Sometimes breakups happen for big, obvious reasons, like when someone cheats, moves far away, or falls out of love. When that’s the case, it’s understandable why the relationship came to an end, and you can remind yourself of that as you heal. Chances are, you’re so much better off without them.
Where the train station theory comes in handy is when a relationship fades or ends gradually, or when you make a conscious choice to end things after a period of unhappiness. For a pop culture reference, think of Rory and Jess’s breakup in Gilmore Girls. They didn’t have a big blow-up, but they did part ways when their connection no longer made sense, almost as if one got off at a train stop while the other continued on their commute.
According to Chen, many relationships end this way when a couple realizes they have different values or goals, or when they enter different stages of life. Maybe you’re taking a job in another state and don’t want to do long distance, you’re going off to grad school, or you realize you don’t share the same vision for the future.
In those instances, you can practically see the visual of your partner getting off at a station as you continue to your destination. It’s definitely cinematic and sad, but also weirdly freeing.
Why It’s Helpful
“This theory helps people step out of shame, self-judgment, and into acceptance and gratitude,” Chen says. “When you can see a relationship as a part of a longer-term journey, you can create some distance and honor the relationship for what it was at the time.” Instead of being bummed, you can appreciate what you had while it lasted, and take with you the little memories you made.
The train station metaphor can also get you excited for future relationships. “Instead of obsessing on the past, you start imagining who you might meet at the next stop,” she says. “The concept reframes ending as a transition… New people, new versions of you, different types of love are waiting in the future.” You never really know who you’ll meet next.
In some cases, it could even inspire you to initiate a breakup. “If a person realizes they’ve stayed on the train too long, the theory gives them the language to leave with compassion,” Chen says. Visualize yourself parting ways at a station, climbing back on the train, and seeing where the journey takes you.
Source:
Lisa Chen, LMFT, licensed psychotherapist, founder of Lisa Chen & Associates Therapy
