When it comes to managing life with future in-laws, it’s not always easy to determine what those dynamics will look like.
Various circumstances, from the introduction of grandchildren to the equation or geographic location (and proximity), can also play a role in the dynamics you have. Relationships can change over time, and behaviors can totally evolve as people grow more comfortable with one another.
That said, there are a few factors to consider when trying to determine whether or not your relationships with your in-laws might pose a challenge for you and your partner down the line. We turned to family therapists to find out what some of the red flags might be, how to navigate them with your partner and how to cope with any lingering negative feelings.
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Here are three major signs that might predict you’ll have tense relationships with your in-laws.
Boundary Violations That Add Up Over Time
Challenges with boundaries are a common complaint that people have regarding in-laws, and it’s one that family therapists see often as well.
“I often see boundary issues as an early warning sign,” Amanda E. White, LPC, licensed therapist and CEO of Therapy for Women Center, told HuffPost. “If someone’s partner would never let a friend drop by unannounced, but thinks it’s fine when their mother does, that inconsistency [could be] a problem.”
When boundary issues come into play early on in the form of unexpected visits or overreaching, it could be an indicator that these challenges might worsen over time, particularly if grandchildren become involved.
According to therapists, it helps if couples are aligned on what their boundaries are and how they’d like them to be respected. “If one partner takes over leading all the boundary conversations with the in-laws, it creates triangulation and scapegoating,” White said, adding that it can be helpful for the person whose direct family is involved to take the first line of communication.
Additionally, it’s worth remembering that setting a boundary doesn’t have to be combative.
“A boundary is not punitive; it simply shows where the line is,” Caitlin Slavens, registered psychologist and clinical director at Couples to Cradles Counselling, told HuffPost.
When Your Partner Can’t Separate Their Needs from Their Parents’
Similar to boundary issues, there can sometimes be challenges when a partner can’t separate their own life or identity from those of their parents. “This often looks like a partner who struggles to prioritize their relationship over keeping their parents happy,” White said.
In this case, it can also help to talk with your partner, but the key is to approach the conversation with compassion and empathy. “It is important to recognize that your partner has had a lifetime of experiences with their family before you entered the picture,” Slavens said, advising people to focus on how certain behaviors make them feel as opposed to being accusatory.
“Instead of saying, ’Your mom is overbearing,’ try, ‘I feel uneasy after your mom questions our parenting decisions every time we go there. It can be hard to relax when I am there,” Slavens continued. “What can we do to be on the same page the next time your mom comments on our parenting choices?’”
Ultimately, this is another area where being aligned as a couple is important, and in order to reach alignment, communication is imperative.
“What therapists see over and over again are the consequences of putting off addressing these issues rather than moving towards the challenge,” Matt Lundquist, psychotherapist, founder and clinical director of Tribeca Therapy, told HuffPost. “The counsel here is for the concerned partner to state their sincere desire to have the best relationship possible with future in-laws. While it may be harder in the short term, it’s better to talk openly about concerns.”
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When Your Partner’s Family Just Avoids Conflict Completely
We tend to think of problems with in-laws as arguments, tension-driven conversations, or full-on fights, but one of the biggest signs that there could be challenges down the line is if everyone avoids conflict altogether.
“In most cases there’s incentive to avoid conflict because the relationship [with the in-laws] isn’t optional and because open conflict can strain a relationship with one’s spouse,” Lundquist said. “Therefore, much of this conflict stays hidden.”
Even if conflict is avoided, you might still feel the tension simmering. This can lead to feeling like you have to walk on eggshells around your partner’s family, or that a fight could be brewing at any moment. Oftentimes, this dynamic arises when your partner grew up in a conflict-avoidant household.
“I [would] pay attention to how conflict gets handled in their family system,” White agreed. “If disagreements are avoided or swept under the rug, those patterns will show up in the relationship with in-laws.”
Therapists agree that even though having conversations about boundaries and relationships can be uncomfortable, avoiding those conversations can make things far worse over time.
“The conversation may be uncomfortable, but that is why it is important to have it,” Slavens said. “Being uncomfortable usually means it is worth discussing further.”
How to Cope With Your Negative Feelings About In-Laws
Sometimes, even after communication, you may still have lingering negative feelings surrounding your in-laws. It can help to remember that this is very normal and common, and you certainly aren’t the first person to feel this way.
“Having these feelings does not make you unkind,” said Slavens, adding that it can be valuable to reflect on your emotions, either through journaling or talking with a friend, family member or therapist. “Remember, joining another family can be complicated, especially when roles, boundaries, expectations, and values differ. It can help to reframe negative self-talk, such as reminding yourself, ‘I can be both a loving person and not allow others to disrespect me.’”
White suggested finding ways to self-regulate before and after your interactions with future in-laws. “For example, [consider] taking a walk before gatherings, debriefing with their partner afterward, or setting time limits on visits,” White said, encouraging people to recognize what they can and can’t control. “They cannot control their in-laws’ behavior or opinions. They can control how much time they spend with them, what information they share, and how they respond.”
When to Seek Help From a Counselor
It’s important to recognize that there are times when outside help may be essential. According to therapists, counseling can be helpful when a couple cannot seem to get on the same page.
“Part of what makes these relationships so difficult is that they exist for the adult child at the intersection of two families, what we call the ‘family-of-origin’ and the new family they’re building with their spouse,” Lundquist said, pointing out that this person is now in the middle and may feel pulled in two directions. In those instances, talking to a counselor or therapist may be beneficial.
Further, it’s worth remembering that you don’t have to wait until the conflict has reached an impossible level in order to seek out counseling.
“Consulting a counselor or family therapist can be a preventative step in navigating family dynamics in a healthy way,” Slavens said. “If stress around in-laws is causing anxiety, self-doubt, or affecting your relationships, those are signs to seek professional support.”
