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I (28, female) recently posted something on my Instagram story about how much I appreciated something the new pope had said about poverty, “even though I’m an atheist.” In response, my mom commented asking if I could take it down because it might upset the rest of my family. It seemed so ridiculous to me ― I respect my families’ beliefs, why shouldn’t they respect my lack of belief, which I hold with just as much conviction as them? I did end up taking it down, but the request annoyed me. This isn’t the first time I’ve been asked by my parents to downplay my not being a Christian for the benefit of the rest of the family. If it comes up again, should I voice my frustration or just let it be like I’ve done the other times?
That does sound frustrating. For many, atheism isn’t simply a lack of belief. The belief that there is no God is a belief all on its own. That seems to be what you subscribe to as well. It’s too bad that your family can’t acknowledge your belief system.
It’s not fair that you have to continually hide your thoughts so as not to offend other family members, but consider the alternative: What would have happened if you hadn’t taken the story down? asked Sean D. Davis, a marriage and family therapist and a professor of psychology at Alliant International University.
Do you think you could have calmly told your mom that it was staying up because it reflects what you believe?
“If your mom pushed back, I think you could have calmly thanked her for letting you know how she feels, and let her know you’re happy to discuss your beliefs further when she and your dad are in a place of curiosity rather than judgment,” Davis said.
It sounds like this is a larger issue than just an Instagram story, though. As you navigate this conundrum, it may help to understand your parent’s perspective, said Ibinye Osibodu-Onyali, a marriage and family therapist.
There’s rarely neutrality when we talk about religion or spiritual beliefs, and many people have all or nothing thinking in this department.
“Oftentimes our religious beliefs are so deeply rooted into the core of who we are, that we fail to understand how someone else ― let alone our own loved one ― can view the world from a different perspective,” said Osibodu-Onyali.
So while you’re well within your right to express yourself as an atheist, your parents may push back. They may worry that you’ll experience judgment from others or that you won’t experience the afterlife with them.
Osibodu-Onyali thinks there are two roads you could take if this continues to be an issue. (We’d say there’s a third option, too: Alternatively, you could hide your stories about thorny religious issues from family members. Here’s a how-to on that.)
Your first option is to sit down with your parents and share your beliefs and frustrations. They may try to understand and you might make some progress — or they may fail to see your perspective and judge you harshly.
Your second option, said Osibodu-Onyali, is to stay quiet ― the route you’ve been taking ― by keeping your frustrations to yourself and avoiding posts that may rock the boat on social media.
Your family relationships remain as they are, but you stay quiet for the appeasement of others, while probably feeling muffled.
“Your parents and loved ones are happy, life as you know it remains peachy,” she said. “But your frustration will most probably grow.”
Pick whichever option you can live with in the long run.
“Do you want to be outspoken and openly challenged? Are you willing to speak to others about how your spiritual beliefs changed?” Osibodu-Onyali said. “Will you engage in possible debates? Or do you want to keep the peace at the expense of your own comfort?”
You may also want to remind yourself that while your parents’ approval and understanding would be nice, they aren’t necessary for you to be a good person — or a good daughter.
“You can disagree and still be good people, even if you find each other’s views limiting or even shameful,” Davis said.
Through it all, try to stay an observer of the process rather than getting drawn into defending your beliefs or attacking theirs. Speak your truth when needed, then step back calmly, Davis advised.
“It can feel strange for a child to take the emotional high road with their parents, but taking such a leadership role is an integral part of establishing healthy adult family relationships,” he said. “Be patient with them ― it takes time for any parent to accept a child choosing a different path.”
