Former first lady Michelle Obama strongly believes couples should think twice before rushing to move in together.
During a recent episode of “IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson,” Obama’s podcast she cohosts with her brother, the “Becoming” author weighed in on a question submitted by a listener who was seeking advice on whether they should move in with their partner of one year.
Obama explained that as a general rule of thumb, she doesn’t think couples should move in together early in a relationship. “Wait a couple of years,” she said, before adding: “You don’t do anything that serious in an early part of a relationship.”
The former first lady said that, in most instances, she thinks people can have a “deep like at first sight” — but not necessarily fall in love.
“Love to me, in most instances, because there’s always exceptions, it takes time to fully have somebody reveal themselves to you over time to know whether or not your affections and your feelings stand the test of time,” she said. “There’s so many tests you need in a relationship.”
Obama said that she believes things like traveling together and visiting your partner’s family’s home — especially during the holidays — are crucial to be able to learn more about someone, how they handle conflict and how they relate to their own family.
“I mean, I just think … time reveals so much,” she said, before she emphasized that, “of course,” there are exceptions. Obama said she knows plenty of people in “great relationships” who got serious relatively quickly early on.
“That happens, for sure,” she said. “But my recommendation is always, take some time, make moving in, like, way down the line.”
If you’re not willing to just take Obama’s word for it, we reached out to licensed marriage and family therapists for their advice on what couples should consider before making the big move.
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Is there a good rule of thumb for how long a couple should date before moving in together?
Racine R. Henry, a licensed marriage and family therapist and certified clinical trauma professional, said that she thinks the time frame or length of a relationship is less important. The decision should instead be based on “what is prompting the cohabitation.”
“Studies show that cohabitation has replaced marriage as a final step in a relationship and that those couples who live together prior to getting married divorce at lower rates,” she told HuffPost. “In general, I think couples should avoid cohabitation if it makes one person totally reliant on the other in a way that informs the power and control dynamics in the relationship.”
“Meaning if the partner with the purse strings is malicious or vindictive, this is probably not someone you want to live with because they can retaliate by withholding,” she continued. “If cohabitation involves relocation, there should be a plan made for finding a new local support system and a plan for visiting long-distance friends and family to maintain those relationships.”
Henry emphasized that couples should be able to talk about things like finances, family planning, how they spend their free time and how to spend the holidays before moving in. Otherwise, they “probably are not ready to live together.”
Cindy Johnson, a licensed marriage and family therapist with Thriveworks, said that she believes the decision to move in together is “more about agreement of expectations and goals than timing.”
“Some couples relate to each other quickly and have values and goals that align,” she said. “Others need to take time to assess the goals and values before they feel safe making that decision.”
What should you ask yourself before deciding to move in with your partner?
Johnson said it’s important you ask yourself what your goals are for the relationship. Is it marriage? A long-term commitment? Fewer bills? She also listed the following key questions you should consider:
- Do my goals align with the other person’s goals?
- How will it look to share a space?
- How will we work through disagreements?
- How will we divide the household duties? The expenses?
In addition to figuring out what living with your partner means to you, and whether marriage is an end goal, Henry said, you should also consider asking yourself what would happen if one person becomes unemployed and unexpectedly unable to contribute to living expenses. Here are other important things Henry thinks you should ask yourself:
- How do you expect to split costs (50/50, a percentage of income, etc.)?
- How do we split time between individual interests, friends/family, work, entertaining, etc.?
- What are your expectations for domestic labor?
- What are the guidelines around guests (amount, frequency, length of visit)?
- What items from your solo dwelling are coming with you to the shared space?
What are the pros and cons of moving in with a partner?
As far as pros go, it can help a relationship by providing more chances for connection and intimacy, Henry said.
“You don’t have to plan as much for time spent together. Instead of packing a bag or commuting to each other, it can be as simple as having a meal together or spending a weekend at home,” she said. “You also get to see your partner in more contexts than you may have before. Are they cranky in the morning? Do they keep the kitchen clean? There’s more vulnerability in cohabitation, and you can get a deeper sense of the kind of life partner they may be in the future.”
But Henry said living together can also hurt a relationship because “the reality may not align with the expectations.”
“Couples often think ‘we’ll see each other all the time!’ only to find that conflicting work and social schedules make the reality align more with the version of their relationship when they didn’t live together than they imagined,” she said.
Henry also pointed out that living with a partner can also reveal “intolerable habits,” such as “addictions or lack of personal hygiene and deeper relationship issues like control, unhealthy communication, and lack of shared goals.”
“It may also reveal expectations or cultural beliefs that were previously irrelevant or hidden,” she said.
Johnson said living together forces couples to “see all of the aspects of each other.”
“You are not able to only show your best self. You see grooming habits, cleaning habits, sleeping patterns, etc.,” she said, before adding that this can either make a couple “feel more annoyed” with each other or it could “create more intimacy and connection.”
Johnson said it seems these days there’s more of an expectation to live together before marriage.
“As divorce rates continue to be high, people find that it makes sense to test things out before committing,” she said. “They also do it for financial reprieve since they are often staying with each other; it makes sense to only pay for one place.”
“There is less stigma around premarital sex and more people are open to long-term relationships without marriage,” she added.
Henry thinks that society nowadays “cares less about things happening in a specific order or at all.”
″We have, thankfully, moved away from defining family according to Eurocentric standards and have embraced the collectivist nature of providing for each other versus a label or title dictating what a person deserves,” she said. “I like to think that people have started to mind their own business more and become less encumbered by what their neighbor has going on in their household.”
“The reality may be tied to what the data says, which is, people are living longer, women are in the workforce more than ever and getting to choose whether they partner or mother, and love and partnership are being defined in more fluid and inclusive ways,” she said.
