No person you date and love is going to have the exact same interests and passions as you do. The challenge is deciding which differences are irreconcilable.
There are already age gaps and “swag gaps” of coolness and style between partners, but what if your relationship has an “exercise gap” in which one person is a fitness fanatic and the other is less interested or less able to go to the gym? Can this lifestyle difference doom your partnership?
Yes and no, according to couples and relationship therapists.
Here’s how to tell when an exercise gap is a red flag you should worry about, and what language to avoid if you want to be supportive.
An “exercise gap” doesn’t need to be a deal-breaker if you respect the difference.
The first lesson is remembering that, for many couples, exercise is not just about lifting weights and hitting step counts –– it can represent hidden anxieties around feeling attractive, health fears about growing old, or ideals about date nights and social life, said Anita Chlipala, a marriage and family therapist.
“They’ve seen a family member fall and break a hip, and then they were immobile, reliant on other family members or quickly deteriorated,” Chlipala said as an example. “So for some, there’s a genuine fear that underlies their need to exercise and desire for their partner to do so too.”
Sammy Peachey, a licensed marriage and family therapist, said it’s definitely possible for happy couples to have an exercise gap between them.
“What tends to be a core issue with the topic is fatphobia, and a tendency to try to control how our partner’s body looks over time. As a culture, we put so much pressure on ourselves to remain thin and to exercise to stay thin,” Peachey said. “Remember that your partner’s body is theirs and theirs alone. You can encourage them in ways that feel good for them, but don’t pressure them to exercise or move in certain ways.”
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Take Peachey as an example, who has navigated an exercise gap in her own relationship.
“My partner is a CrossFit coach and a very dedicated athlete. While I was an athlete in my younger years, I am not the most intrinsically motivated person when it comes to working out,” Peachey said. “I have experienced health difficulties and injuries. My body has changed and will continue to change over my lifetime; my partner not only accepts this but celebrates it with me.”
To offer this same kind of encouragement, try asking, “Are there things that I should avoid saying that don’t make you feel good in your body?” or “What are your favorite ways to get movement into your routine? How can I support you in that?” Peachey said.
Happier relationships might mean compromising if one person’s ideal date night is a fun run and the other person prefers to lounge on the sofa with a good book. Chlipala said one common dynamic is when a partner thinks the other works out too much and is rigid about routines.
“I’m working with a couple where one partner wants to get 20,000 steps a day sightseeing and trying local activities and excursions while the other would prefer to relax at the hotel pool or on a beach with a good book,” Chlipala said. “They found compromises that work for them: alternate vacation preferences, doing some activities together and have some time apart for solo interests.”
The gap can be a problem when exercise becomes loaded with judgment.
Be careful about how you talk about different fitness habits, because judgment can fester into resentment. Just because the gym is your sanctuary doesn’t mean your partner will feel the same if you push them to go.
Therapists said a common relationship dynamic is when one person didn’t use to work out, but they start and it becomes part of their identity.
“When this shift happens, they want to get their partner on board,” Chlipala said. “People have to be mindful that they were able to make this change for themselves, but it doesn’t mean it’s something their partner wants or that it will be easy for them.”
“Shaming a person into doing something won’t be sustainable,” said Justin Dodson, a therapist specializing in working with men and couples. “A red flag is not that one person exercises six days a week while the other does not exercise at all. The red flag is when either partner begins criticizing, shaming, controlling or dismissing the other’s choices.”
“I have seen this exercise gap become a red flag quickly. If your partner is commenting on your body in a way that does not feel good for you, that is already a cause for discussion,” Peachey said.
Dodson said partners can mistake their judgment as helpful encouragement. “A lot of partners think, ‘I want this so much for you that I’m willing to be mean. I’m willing to try to push you verbally,’ and then now I’m crossing a boundary,” he said.
“Partners should pay attention to language such as, ‘You’ve let yourself go,’ ‘You care more about the gym than this relationship,’ or ‘You’d be more attractive if you worked out,’” Dodson said.
So instead of jumping to judgment, get curious about why exercise matters so much to your partner, or doesn’t, and what worries them most. Some partners may want an accountability buddy, but don’t volunteer unless they ask.
“If we can stay in a neutral place or a supportive place, then I’ve seen it work,” Dodson said.
