Is It Bad To Argue Over Text? A New Study Explains The Pros And Cons Of ‘Fexting’

Arguing over text is generally frowned upon: The conventional wisdom is that written messages leave too much room for misunderstanding because they strip away the nonverbal cues ― body language, facial expressions and tone of voice ― that help us understand what someone is really feeling.

But a new academic paper published in the Journal of Social and Personal Relationships suggests that fexting ― as fighting over text has been dubbed ― may not be all that bad, actually.

Led by University of Montreal psychology professor Marie-Ève Daspe, the research team reviewed 15 studies comparing face-to-face conflicts to digital ones: arguments over text, voice messages, email, instant messaging, video calls and phone calls.

To their surprise, the research team found that no single form of communication consistently produced better outcomes. Some studies found no significant difference between face-to-face and digital arguments.

Others found that in-person conversations led to better results, while a few pointed to unexpected advantages of digital communication. For instance, not having to respond immediately can help some people avoid stumbling over their words, shutting down or lashing out.

In a press release, Daspe noted that, when it comes to thorny discussions, a mix of digital and IRL communication may be best.

“A multimodal approach seems better suited to the reality of relationships,” she said.

For instance, if you’re having a conversation over text and it becomes emotionally heated, maybe put a pin in it until you and your partner can hash it out in person. That’s an especially good idea when the conversation involves hurt feelings, trust or weighty emotional issues, Daspe said.

But with a little tact, and a few carefully deployed smiley emojis, working through a minor disagreement over text ― say, a logistical misunderstanding over date night plans ― may be fine.

Kate Murphy, a psychotherapist in Georgia, said that the study’s findings ring true to what she hears among clients in relationships: While some prefer face-to-face talks, many people prefer having time to digest what their partner has communicated and to formulate a thoughtful response.

“I hear clients say frequently that this works better for them, so they don’t say things they may later regret,” said Murphy, who is unaffiliated with the study. Plus, she said, there’s an added benefit that they can go back and read over text chains.

“When calmer, people can see more clearly where misunderstandings or communication broke down,” Murphy told HuffPost. “This can be particularly helpful within the context of couple or individual therapy. Our memory of who said what during an argument is not always reliable.”

The cons, outside of the lack of tone and body language to help you read the room, is that texting can quickly become a rapid-fire exchange, where you’re flooded with emotions like anger or sadness, and focused on winning a fight versus understanding the underlying issue.

“But then again, a similar downfall of communication in person when a disagreement or sensitive subject causes emotional elevation, and people are no longer listening to each other,” Murphy told HuffPost.

Murphy thinks that the big takeaway from the study is that digital communication can be a useful tool during disagreements ― but only in the right situations. It can help in certain moments (namely, minor tiffs), but it can’t replace a calm, face-to-face conversation.

If you are going to hammer it out over text, Murphy had some quick and dirty tips on how to argue cleanly.

For example, sending your partner a provocative text while they are driving to work before a tough day or right before they sleep is not beneficial or thoughtful.

“This will give time to control anger and clearly read what was said,” she said. “Responding from a place of anger will just elevate the argument further.”

For the slightly heavier stuff, it’s important to come together in person and hopefully come to an agreement or compromise.

“Plus, affection in person really helps mend fences,” Murphy.