The Most Toxic Things Your Family Is Doing To Your Relationship, According To Experts

“You date me, you date the family” is a phrase you may have heard from people close to their relatives. While that can sound wonderful on paper, it turns out families (and our existing dynamics in them) can also put a strain on our romantic relationships.

Since your own family can feel “normal” to you, you might not even realize these dynamics exist — let alone notice the effects they might have on your partner.

“Growing up in a co-dependent family system often shows up for many of my clients as people-pleasing or controlling,” Rene Mondy, a therapist and post-marriage expert, told HuffPost.

To get a better read on how your family dynamics may or may not be sabotaging your partnership, HuffPost spoke with matchmakers and couples counselors to get a read on the common family faux pas that can potentially cause issues for couples in their orbit.

“The most hurtful patterns I have seen in my work with couples are the subtle ones, such as unwelcome or unsolicited advice,” Mondy said.

This can show up as saying, “You should really be doing it this way,” or by assuming that a parent’s needs come before those of an adult child’s partner, creating a quiet but persistent loyalty conflict.

Mondy said she saw this play out with a couple who invited the husband’s mother on a trip to Savannah. Without firm plans in place, the group began discussing options, but the mother-in-law quickly spoke over the wife and dismissed her suggestions.

In therapy, the husband learned to redirect the conversation with phrases like “Let’s start with what she had in mind” or “We’ll talk it over and get back to you,” small but deliberate signals that his partner’s voice came first.

Bonnie Winston, a dating expert and matchmaker, agrees that establishing a separate life from an intervening family member is key, whether that means planning independent vacations or holding firm on holiday plans.

“You can say, ‘I value your opinion, but I must side with the person that I chose to share my adult life with,’” Winston said. “Our relationship must remain strong, and this is threatening to come between us.”

Family can shape how a person communicates with their partner, whether that’s shutting down during conflict, struggling to show affection or never having learned to express needs directly.

“Typically, these issues stem from habits that are learned early, so it takes awareness and commitment to overcome them,” Mondy said.

One of the most destructive of those habits is contempt: “It looks like criticism, sarcasm, eye-rolling, or speaking to a partner in a way that feels disrespectful or superior,” Gabby Jimmerson, a couples and sex therapist, told HuffPost. “Because contempt is one of the most dangerous patterns in a relationship, it has to be addressed directly.”

When couples recognize it, the goal is to stop as quickly as possible and shift how they speak to and view one another. Jimmerson notes that the antidote to contempt is deliberately building a culture of appreciation and respect — so that even during conflict, there’s enough goodwill in the relationship to keep things from turning corrosive.

For couples still in the thick of those patterns, Mondy suggests gently acknowledging the situation. Simple phrases like “I notice I’m starting to shut down” or “this feels bigger than the situation” can slow a moment down and signal that the intensity may be coming from somewhere deeper than the argument at hand.

“That kind of awareness creates space for compassion,” she said. “And often, compassion is what repairs the disconnection.”

The same parents who were once probably known as helicopter parents are now dropping by unannounced, weighing in on decisions that aren’t theirs to make, and expecting a level of access that leaves little room for the relationship to breathe, says Winston.

“One of the most damaging things a parent can do is not allow their adult child to grow and build a life of their own,” Jimmerson explained. “This can look like inserting unsolicited opinions, expecting constant access, or struggling to respect the relationship as its own unit.”

When a parent or in-law openly dismisses, criticizes or refuses to accept a partner, it puts the child in an impossible position, and how they respond can make or break the relationship.

“For the partner who feels caught in the middle, it’s important to recognize that staying in the middle is still a choice,” Jimmerson said. “Being in a relationship means committing to stand up for your partner. Your partner should never feel like they’re standing alone.”

That solidarity can be painful to maintain, especially when it creates friction with family. Jimmerson acknowledges that there’s often real grief in letting go of the hope that everyone will simply get along. But she’s clear: Staying united as a couple is essential — without that, the relationship suffers.

All experts agree that establishing boundaries is essential for protecting the relationship, but Jimmerson cautions that couples should brace for some resistance.

“When a family system is used to functioning a certain way, and someone starts showing up differently or opting out of old roles, it disrupts the dynamic,” she said. “That disruption can lead to pushback, confusion, hurt feelings, or attempts to pull things back to how they were.”

When it comes to delivering those boundaries, she says it matters who speaks up. If the newer partner draws the line, they risk being cast as the outsider who changed everything. The message lands better when it comes from within the family. And once a boundary is set, following through is non-negotiable.

“If there’s no follow-through when a boundary is crossed,” Jimmerson said, “it’s not actually a boundary, it’s a suggestion.”