Q: My boyfriend is generally pretty careful about spending money. He likes to limit how often we order in, and when we travel, he’s always trying to book the cheapest flights, accommodations, and activities. That’s all fine with me — neither of us makes much money in our postgrad jobs — but the main issue I have is that he goes out with his friends every few weekends and will drop hundreds of dollars on drinks in one night. He says their boys nights help him “blow off steam” and doesn’t seem worried about the finances, but it hurts my feelings considering he’s so frugal when he’s with me. How can I talk to him about it? —Katie*
A: Hi, Katie! I can see why this would be frustrating. It sounds like the issue is less about how much money your boyfriend is spending and more about how he’s choosing to spend it. The way someone spends their hard-earned cash does say something about their priorities, so I don’t blame you for questioning why he’s allocating his paycheck (which he’s clearly mindful of) in this way. It sucks to feel like his boys nights take precedence over sharing fun experiences with you.
From your note, I’m guessing you two don’t have combined finances. So it’s worth noting that you’d be commenting on something he’s spending his own money on, which has the potential to put him on the defensive. That said, I think it’s absolutely fair game for you to tell him how his choices are making you feel.
I’d wager a guess that there’s something deeper in his habit of spending lavishly while he’s out drinking with his friends.
Perhaps he genuinely hasn’t considered the imbalance in his behavior or how it might appear from the outside. However, I’d wager a guess that there’s something deeper in his habit of spending lavishly while he’s out drinking with his friends. Perhaps he feels the need to show off around them, or use this time to disconnect from his everyday life in some way. You mentioned he says these nights help him “blow off steam,” which makes me wonder what kind of stress he feels like he’s escaping by doing this.
I’d approach the conversation with curiosity. You could start by saying something like, “Hey, I’ve noticed that on nights you go out with your friends, you seem not to worry so much about spending money. I love that you have fun with them, but sometimes I feel left out because we’re always so careful about money when we’re together. Can you tell me more about how you think about budgeting?”
This way, you’re opening the door for him to explain the decisions he’s making. His response will tell you a lot. If he’s evasive and defensive, it leads me to wonder how much care (or lack thereof) he’s exhibiting toward your relationship and your feelings. It’s a major red flag if he refuses to see your POV. However, if he seems open to dialogue about how he could make some changes — even if it’s just adding one fancy date night into the calendar per month or being willing to splurge a little more on your vacations — you’re at a good starting point for building a foundation of honesty about this topic. It might even prompt him to examine his underlying motivations about what he’s splurging on and why.
If you can’t see eye to eye on something like this, things will likely get harder once you eventually move in together and combine your finances (if those are things you want down the road). Set the precedent of communicating proactively before anyone develops a grudge — you need to make sure this is someone who is willing to hear your feedback and find a compromise.
*Name has been changed.
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