Many moons ago, a friend and colleague was clearly annoyed with me but wasn’t coming out straight and saying so. Instead, I kept receiving clipped, curt emails, and it felt like they were being obstructive and elusive. I asked several times whether there was an issue. Denials. Crickets. But when it happened again, my patience wore thin, and I called out what was happening: You’ve said X, you’ve been tricky about Y, you’re doing Z, what is going on? And that’s when they finally admitted they were pissed off about something.
What I experienced is something we all engage in at times and that we also experience a lot from others: passive-aggressive behaviour.
We’re frustrated, angry, not in agreement, or resentful but instead of expressing or communicating it directly, we hint at our feelings with obstructionist, resistant and conflicting behaviour. We say one thing and do another, whether it’s saying we’re “okay” while behaving otherwise or claiming we’ll be somewhere or do something knowing full well that we’re not going to.
All humans are guilty of being passive aggressive.
Thanks to growing up during the Age of Obedience where we received conflicting, confusing and sometimes scary messages in childhood about being compliant, not showing feelings, and the importance of telling people what they want to hear, we disconnected from our needs, desires, expectations, feelings and opinions.
Instead, we engage in a lot of indirect communication and behaviour — aka people pleasing, including perfectionism, overgiving, overthinking, and over-responsibility. We become big-time hinters.
Some of us are habitually passive aggressive, and it can be exhausting to deal with. When we’re on the receiving end of it, we can expend a lot of brainpower trying to decipher what on earth is going on, second-guessing ourselves, or feeling gaslighted.
So while we all have our passive-aggressive moments, when you’re dealing with someone who’s habitually like this, here are three tips that can protect your peace and change the dynamic.
1. Stick to the Facts
It’s important to remember that habitually passive-aggressive folks don’t own up to their behaviour because they don’t see it for what it is.
They’ve become entrenched in the habit because it feels ‘effective’ and protective. They figure if they say how they really feel, they’ll have to deal with other people’s feelings. Passive-aggressive people wear masks that hide their longstanding frustration, anger and resentment that they’ve had to deal with in other parts of their life. It just shows up in certain situations, like with coworkers. It’s their way of quietly rebelling and managing their lives. The passive aggression lets them feel as if they’re in control and they can’t be called out.
If you stick to the facts with someone who’s being passive aggressive, it’s a lot harder for them to wriggle out of whatever the issue is.
Be factual.
- You said, and repeat as close to verbatim what they said.
- Or, You did, and briefly describe what they did.
- You said X, but you did something else.
- Yes, technically, you did do what I asked but you did it to such a poor standard or with such agitation, I have to question what’s going on here.
When you present somebody with what they said and what they’ve done, it’s tricky to duck out of, and they have an opportunity to see their behaviour, own it, and be more direct and boundaried. If they want to.
2. Don’t Get Drawn Into Side Issues and Side Arguments
It can be so teeth-achingly annoying to attempt to address something directly with someone only for them to try to sidetrack you with another subject. Maybe they throw in an insult or some random thing that has nothing to do with what’s going on right now.
You can end up getting really frustrated, maybe losing your temper. You’re basically provoked into having exactly the reaction that they want so that they can go, “See, this is why I wasn’t honest” or “This is why I didn’t do [the thing I was never going to do in the first place].”
If they try to divert the conversation, say: “Not sure why you’re bringing that up. But anyway, let’s get back to the issue at hand.”
Or: “Okay, yeah, that happened ages ago. I’m not sure what that’s got to do with right now. Let’s get back to the issue at hand.”
3. Make a Note of Everything
When I work with clients and members who are clearly dealing with someone who’s trying to run rings around them with mind games or passive-aggressive carry-on, I get them to track everything. Particularly if you’re dealing with a coworker (or someone else) who’s making your life miserable and possibly has the potential to impact your job or other relationships (or your wellbeing), note everything. When you feel ground down by the situation, you can refer to your notes and not crazy-make yourself.
If you find that you have a verbal agreement and then they backtrack, get things nailed down on email. You can follow it up and go, “Just to clarify as discussed, blah, blah, blah.”
And if you find that they’re very difficult to pin down to have a conversation, drop them an email. Even if they never reply, then you know you have a record of attempting to deal with an issue with them.
Mr Unavailable and the Fallback Girl
SHOP NOW
The Bottom Line
Look, we’re all guilty of being passive aggressive at times. It’s part of being human with conflicting feelings and imperfect communication skills. But being passive aggressive all the time or dealing with someone who habitually is takes a serious toll on your wellbeing and relationships.
When you’re dealing with passive-aggressive people, remember: it’s not about you; it’s about their pattern of feeling, relating and avoiding conflict and direct communication. You can take care of yourself by avoiding the very hinting you find frustrating. Be direct and boundaried. The tips I’ve shared help you stay in your lane and to hold on to reality.
Don’t tiptoe around them trying to avoid conflict. That’s what they want. Instead, call out what you see, stick to the facts, and document everything. You don’t have to figure out all their feelings for them — that’s their job.
Based on Episode 3 of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions (2015). [Listen here].
Add to favorites
