Q: I started a new job recently, and I swear something is going on between my boss and me. We get along really well, he’s easy to talk to, and I find myself wanting to chat with him all the time. Our conversations are mostly surface level, but they feel oddly intimate, and we’re super flirty. I also catch him checking me out sometimes.
While I would usually frown upon this considering the power dynamic, I must admit this is the most intense crush I’ve had in a while. I get excited to go into the office just to see him, and I think about him multiple times a day outside of work hours. I’ve started inserting us into every rom-com I watch and every love song I listen to.
I keep gaslighting myself into thinking I’m delulu because I would never actually make a move on my boss, but also the fantasy is not healthy. Admitting my attraction to him is most likely not an option, so how do I get over this inappropriate infatuation and move on with my life? — Maria*
A: Hi, Maria! Having a crush can be a unique form of torture, and in your situation, that’s dialed up a hundred times because of your relationship to this person. You don’t need me to tell you that this fantasy can’t go anywhere — you’ve already reached that conclusion yourself, and you simply want your feelings to follow suit. (Relatable.)
I can’t wave a magic wand that makes you get the ick from your boss tomorrow. But as the saying goes, a crush is just a lack of information. So let me present some facts that might help you get over him more quickly. Here is my formal case for why this crush isn’t worth the stress:
- If he’s flirting with you and checking you out at work, that says a lot about him… and not in a good way. Let’s take Bridget Jones and Daniel Cleaver as an example. Sure, Hugh Grant is hot and charming. But the blatant sexual harassment in Bridget Jones’s Diary was not giving, and as we know, Daniel turned out to be a bad boyfriend and overall sketchy guy. His poor workplace boundaries were a harbinger of what was to come. If your boss is entertaining this flirtation with you despite the obvious HR violation and power imbalance, I automatically find him sus.
- He probably does tons of little gross things you’re ignoring because you’re into him. Tinx coined the concept of an “ick list” to help you stay realistic about people you’re newly dating, and I think it applies here too. Your boss is not ick-proof, and he’s probably a lot more cringe than you realize. Every time you see him doing something weird, like chewing with his mouth open or wearing high-water pants, write it in your Notes app. Refer to the list when you’re feeling down bad. It might not be an immediate fix, but over time, you can counteract the flirty memories with gross ones so he seems more like a normal human.
- Every day you’re stuck on this crush is one more day you can’t find a better one. Sure, it’s fun to have a fantasy for a bit. Crushes make us feel alive! But you deserve to be able to get butterflies for someone who can take you out on dates. You deserve a Bridget Jones and Mark Darcy kind of love story with a person who is equally obsessed with you. And the longer you’re focused on your boss, the less energy you have to put toward finding a new, healthier fixation. Quite frankly, this man is wasting your time.
My best advice right now is to put yourself back out there in places that have nothing to do with work. Download the apps. Ask your friends to set you up with people. Sit mysteriously at wine bars and coffee shops with a good book. (Trust me, this works.) Flirt like your life depends on it and get back in touch with what a hot commodity you are.
If you’ve done all this and you’re still not finding anyone worthy of your next infatuation, consider channeling that frenzied crush energy toward applying for a new job with a better paycheck. The least your boss can do is unintentionally help you get a raise.
*Name has been changed.
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