When I was 14, my best friend would greet me with a hug every time I saw her. Did I mention our lockers were right next to each other? That might sound excessive, especially if you relate to Instagram videos like the one captioned: “when the huggy friend tries to give the un-huggy friend a hug.”
Unlike the video, my friend and I fell into the “huggy” category and easily picked up on each other’s bids. Coined by psychologists Julie and John Gottman in their well-known research on relationships, “an emotional bid is when one person makes a gesture to another person that communicates an attempt to connect,” Charlynn Ruan, a licensed clinical psychologist and the founder of Thrive Psychology Group, told HuffPost.
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“Though the Gottmans studied romantic relationships, bids are part of every relationship,” she told HuffPost. “A child might say, ‘Look at me, mom!’ A dog might drop a ball at your feet. A friend might send you a text or meme. These are all bids.”
If your friendships aren’t as close as you’d like them to be, paying attention to bids can help you feel more connected. Read on for expert advice on how to recognize and respond to bids.
How to tell if a friend is making a bid.
“Bids can be verbal and direct or nonverbal and indirect,” New York City licensed mental health counselor Tracy Vadakumchery, also known as “The Bad Indian Therapist,” told HuffPost. Examples of nonverbal bids include smiling, sighing, frowning, and pointing to an object. She explained that people with social anxiety may use nonverbal gestures due to a fear of rejection, for example, making eye contact before looking away.
But, even when bids involve direct, verbal communication, they can be misinterpreted. “An example is small talk, which isn’t necessarily about polite social behavior,” Vadakumchery said. “Sometimes, it’s a way to test the waters and see if you’re a safe person to connect with.”
Similarly, a friend might test the waters by mentioning a hardship they’re facing during a lighthearted conversation. “It might be a bid for you to notice them and ask if they’re OK,” Ruan said. Alternatively, a friend might post about their struggles on social media in hopes that you’ll respond.
Another sign of an emotional bid is sharing something personal or talking about your feelings, said Sabrina Romanoff, a licensed clinical psychologist and professor at Yeshiva University. A friend might ask about your day, send a screenshot of a text exchange, or invite you to go for a walk.
“Essentially, it’s a way to bond by creating a shared experience,” she said.
Bids are important, but sometimes overlooked.
Giving and receiving bids are integral to building strong and lasting friendships. At the same time, “Bids are easy to miss, especially when we’re busy, stressed, or caught up in our own lives,” Romanoff said. We might be looking at our phone instead of listening or expecting a friend to respond to a text immediately because that’s our communication style.
As it turns out, how a person receives a bid can greatly influence the success of the relationship. The Gottmans described three responses to bids: “turning away” (missing or ignoring a bid), “turning toward” (acknowledging and engaging), or “turning against” (rejecting, minimizing, or dismissing).
“If the bid were missed, met with anger, or ignored, the relationship was more likely to break down over time,” Ruan said.
Unfortunately, due to misinformation on social media, sometimes people mistake bids for “trauma dumping,” Vadakumchery said. This is when someone unloads traumatic or intense experiences onto the listener, typically without their consent. Bids, on the other hand, require vulnerability and help to establish deeper connections.
In any friendship, it’s natural to go through periods marked by emotional or physical distance. If your friend just became a new parent, you might withdraw from the friendship, believing you can’t relate to each other anymore. “During those seasons, it is extra important to feed that relationship a consistent diet of bids by sending funny memes, texting regularly, or planning a coffee date,” Ruan said.
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Respond to that bid!
Bids come in many forms, from funny stories to TV show recommendations for you to watch and debrief together. “Paying attention to how your friend shows their love can be helpful,” Romanoff said. “There’s no one-size-fits-all, and we are best served by asking what they prefer and delivering it.”
When you notice a friend making a bid, make sure to respond. If they send you a meme, instead of a one-word reply or an emoji, try texting them, “That’s so funny! It reminds me of the time we went to that concert.” Likewise, if they try to make plans with you, show enthusiasm and commit to a date.
Another way to respond to bids is to ask your friend thoughtful questions. Think of something they mentioned previously and ask for an update. “Whenever we give a friend a bid or turn toward their bid, it builds trust, connection and a sense of value in the relationship,” Ruan added.
If a friend who’s usually responsive suddenly seems quiet or distant, this might be their way of sending a bid. “Sometimes, the people we feel connected to carry a lot of other people’s burdens, so when they go through a hard time, they withdraw because they don’t think they are valuable in relationships when they have nothing to give,” Ruan said. It’s possible they need your support and don’t know how to ask for it.
Her advice is to say, “I love you no matter what mood you are in. You don’t have to show up ‘happy’ for me to want to be with you. You do so much for others. I feel honored when you let me support you because I know that’s hard for you sometimes.”
When a friend misses your bid…
All three experts agreed that missing a bid is usually unintentional. Still, there are more constructive responses than writing off a friendship or assuming they don’t care about you. If you’re feeling ignored, Romanoff suggested saying, “I’d love for you to slow down and really listen to my story.”
Likewise, Vadakumchery’s advice was to approach your friend with curiosity, rather than judgment: “Hey, I’ve really missed you. I was hoping you were feeling the same. I felt hurt when you didn’t respond. Can you tell me what’s going on?”
Missing one or two bids may be an isolated occurrence. However, if it happens repeatedly, you might need to be more direct. Instead of waiting for them to pick up on your bid, try saying, “I miss you, let’s plan a call. What is a good time for you?” Ruan said.
As for the huggy-unhuggy friend scenario, keep in mind that people have different comfort levels regarding touch. If you’re the huggy friend, try saying, “I’m a hugger. Let me know if that’s OK. I won’t be offended if you prefer not to hug.”
And if you’re the not-so-huggy friend, don’t be shy about telling your friend. Ruan recommended saying: “I didn’t grow up in a hugging house, so if I seem stiff when you hug me, it isn’t about you. I’m just not used to it.” Conversations like these can be very healing because they encourage people to find new ways to connect.
