Many couples think they’re doing everything right. They’re making time for each other — a quick catch-up over dinner, running errands on the weekend — but after many years together, scheduling date nights that aren’t just ordering takeout and staying in to watch a movie can become few and far between.
“The demands of daily life (work, children, maintaining a household, logistics, etc.) have a way of slowly pushing aside moments that build and sustain connection amongst couples,” Tara Gogolinski, a licensed marriage and family therapist, told HuffPost. “Then, without either person meaning for it to happen, they start drifting towards feeling more like roommates than partners.”
According to therapists, the problem usually isn’t a lack of time together. It’s the kind of time they’re spending together.
As Laura Richer, a couples therapist and founder of Anchor Light Therapy in Seattle, put it: “Intimacy requires presence. It is not the same as proximity.”
She notes that many couples mistake being physically together for being emotionally connected. “In a world full of distractions we have confused being in the same room with our partner as being connected, and it is not the same.”
That’s why therapists often encourage couples to rethink what date night looks like altogether.
If you’re struggling to come up with new dates to enjoy with your partner, here’s a list of the types of dates couples therapists wish partners would go on.
Try Dates That Introduce Novelty And Playfulness
The same date night feels stale because it is stale.
“Doing novel activities together is what fuels excitement and fun in new relationships, and as relationships go on, we tend to get into a routine of what dates look like,” Claire Perelman, a certified sex therapist and licensed clinical social worker, told HuffPost. “Experiencing novelty together reinvigorates fun, playfulness, and bonding because we are able to appreciate our partner’s strengths in a new light.”
Perelman encourages couples to try activities that push them outside their usual routines, such as painting pottery, attending a sip-and-paint night, trying acro-yoga or aerial silks, learning pickleball, bowling, taking a new hiking trail, or even attending a rope jam to learn basic shibari skills together.
“What is important about each of these dates is they are not focused on simply talking to each other,” she said. “This supports couples in straying away from ‘logistics’ dates, where they can get bogged down in having an entire night out where they only talk about the kids and the next house project.”
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Gogolinski agrees that novelty plays an important role in maintaining attraction and connection.
“Novelty and emotional safety work together in a way most people don’t realize. Novelty keeps the relationship from becoming predictable. Predictability is the antithesis of desire,” Gogolinski said. “When we experience something new with our partner, we see them differently, and being seen differently is one of the most powerful ways to reignite attraction.”
One example is what Gogolinski calls the “side-by-side date.”
“The idea for this date is that you do a parallel activity together: cooking class, pottery, a hike, building something together, etc.,” she said. “Side-by-side activities reduce threat responses while still generating shared positive experience.”
Another date Gogolinski recommends is the “laughter date.”
“Spend the evening doing something that has no purpose other than making each other laugh,” she explains. “This could be going to a comedy show, playing a silly game, watching blooper reels, or going down a YouTube rabbit hole of the most absurd things you can find together. Shared laughter is one of the most underrated bonding tools in partnerships.”
Go On Dates That Encourage Curiosity
One of the biggest challenges therapists see is that couples begin assuming they already know everything about each other.
“A difficult hurdle to overcome in long-term relationships is familiarity,” Gogolinski said. “We think we already know our partner, we think we know what they want, how they feel, etc., so we stop asking.”
Which is why she suggests having what she calls a “first date dinner.”
“The idea is you spend the entire meal asking questions you’ve never asked each other before,” she explains. “You cannot ask closed-ended questions, nor questions about logistics, kids or work. One of the main drivers of disconnection is partners who stop being curious about each other. Novelty in conversation invites curiosity, as well as recreates the feeling of why you fell for your partner.”
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Richer said many couples mistakenly believe they already know everything there is to know about their partner.
“The person sitting across from you is not the same person you married,” Richer said. “People change quietly and continuously, and when you’re with someone every day, you can miss it entirely.”
Over time, she said, couples can stop wondering about each other altogether.
“Long relationships have a way of making us think we already know. That certainty is its own kind of distance.”
To create opportunities for discovery, Richer encourages couples to focus less on elaborate plans and more on activities that allow them to be fully present with one another. That could mean taking a walk with no destination, cooking a recipe neither partner has tried before, going for a drive without a set plan, or taking turns planning a date that introduces your partner to a different part of your world. The goal, she said, isn’t the activity itself, but creating space to be curious about one another again.
“The activity almost never matters,” Richer said. “What matters is whether two people actually show up for each other while they’re doing it.”
Create Space For Emotional Safety And Vulnerability
While novelty and curiosity can help couples reconnect, Gogolinski said emotional safety is equally important.
“Novelty without emotional safety can create anxiety rather than connection. Emotional safety is what allows both people to be vulnerable, to be silly, and to be uncertain without fearing judgment,” she explains. “Creating a space that nourishes novelty and emotional safety allows real intimacy to exist.”
One date Gogolinski recommends is the “What I Never Said” date, where each partner comes prepared with one thing they’ve always wanted to share but never found the right moment to say. The catch? The other person can only respond with: “Thank you for telling me.”
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By removing the urge to defend, explain or fix, couples can focus on simply hearing each other.
Gogolinski also recommends what she calls a “No Fixing Walk.” During the walk, one partner spends 10 uninterrupted minutes talking about something difficult they’re carrying, while the other listens without offering advice or solutions. Then they switch roles.
“Most partners default to fixing because they love each other and they want to rescue their partner from pain,” she said. But, she adds, “feeling truly heard without being redirected is one of the most bonding experiences two people can have.”
“I like to call this being met, not managed.”
It’s not really about the dates — it’s about what you continue to bring to your relationship over time.
Perelman said many couples underestimate how much emotional connection influences every other aspect of their relationship. When dates become focused on logistics, productivity or problem-solving, intimacy can suffer.
“When you go out with your partner and it feels like a business meeting, it’s highly unlikely you’ll go home and want to have sex,” she said. “When you go out and have real, playful fun, there is a much higher likelihood you’ll want to keep the connection going.”
Ultimately, therapists agree that maintaining connection in a long-term relationship isn’t about finding the perfect date idea. It’s about being intentional with the time you already have together.
Whether couples are trying a new activity, asking questions they’ve never asked before or simply taking a walk together, the goal is the same: to show up for one another.
“You don’t need a better date. You need to decide that the person across from you is still worth your full attention,” Richer said. “That decision, made on an ordinary Tuesday when you’re tired and not feeling it, is what love actually looks like after the romance that swept you off your feet wears off. It’s less glamorous. It is also, in my experience, far more profound.”
