Dear Dr. K,
I love my girlfriend and would never want to hurt her. But she keeps telling me to be “rougher” in bed, and that leaves me very confused. When I do what I think she wants, she either gets mad at me, or she laughs. I don’t want to make her mad or be laughed at. What do I do? —Trying My Best in Toledo
Dear Trying My Best in Toledo,
It’s a sexual style she’s asking you for, in all likelihood. She wants you to play with her the way a child dives into a Ninja costume: with joyful, full-bodied enthusiasm.
“Rough” doesn’t mean “make me cry.” It means something closer to:
- “Show me how much you want me.”
- “Demonstrate how turned on you are.”
- “Let go. Don’t hold back.”
A man who delights in his own desire, while staying attuned to his partner’s experience, is striking the right balance between beast and baby.
But of course, you can’t really know what she means unless you actually talk to her, instead of asking a (kindly) psychologist.
Try this:
- Ask her to role-play what “rough” looks like—with both of you fully dressed at first.
- Ask her what kinds of words turn her on in this mode. (Or invite her to write them down if that’s easier.)
- Ask her which areas she doesn’t want treated “roughly.” (Some tender areas—like during oral sex—may be a definite no.)
Don’t just talk. Play. Roughhouse with each other—wrestle, roll around, chase each other, splash in water. Be two eleven-year-old boys. Then ask: “What part of that did you like?” The physicality can lower inhibition and open up conversations that might otherwise feel awkward.
And yes, ask her if there were times in her life when she had trauma. Was someone rough in her past, but not “safe?” She may be exploring power plays as a form of healing, or trying to reclaim something scary. You want to make sure you’re not triggering trauma, especially if she has a history of unwanted aggression or assault.
When you think about it, it’s incredibly easy to misunderstand what “Do me more roughly” really means. It might actually mean:
- “Don’t tiptoe around me.”
- “I’m bored but I don’t know how to say it.”
- “I want to feel your full desire.”
And don’t be scared. Be curious. Learn about your own sexual style and take turns “playing” in different ways that reflect each of your styles. Styles are NOT behaviors. They are what type of attitude, feeling, or mood you bring to that behavior. If you learn you are more of a sexual trancer, incorporate that into how you both have sex. Because your emotions matter in sex, too. She wants a partner—not just a performance.
And truly, there’s nothing sexier than a curious, caring person who’s turned on by you.
