I think back to the many different times I’ve been here. The progress I’ve made physically and personally since the first time I came here. I remember the first time I climbed this rock by myself. Wyatt was so proud of me. He stood at the top wearing a grin, waiting with celebratory high fives.
As I make my way to the climbing point, I wonder if he would still be proud of me. I wonder if he’d be proud of my career, the places I’ve been, the decisions I’ve made for myself. He taught me how to make decisions for myself, rather than to please others. I give him a lot of credit for the person I am today. I wouldn’t have made it through the hardest moments of my life without him. I never would have grown into the human I am with the beliefs I have.
I think it’s fitting. Everything I learned from the beautiful human I knew only made sense coming from him. I hope he’s safe. When he told me he was joining the Marines, I didn’t know how to feel. I was excited, if that’s what he wanted to do, sure. I also felt quite selfish about it, too. How could he just walk away so easily?
Since the day he left, some little part of me just hasn’t been the same. I know he’ll come back eventually, but waiting around is a weary pastime. Sometimes I still find it hard to get through a normal day without hearing the sound of his voice. Sometimes I’ll play an old video I had taken of the two of us just so I can.
I shake my head, trying to pretend the tear forming in the corner of my eye doesn’t exist. I step into the slit of the rock and psych myself up to climb. I settle my foot into that perfect spot it took me so long to find and kick off the tip of my toes. I grab the top of the rock, pulling myself up with not as much ease as expected. Once I’m standing at the top I realize I couldn’t ignore the tears. Falling at a rapid pace, more escape with each passing second. I make my way to the edge and sit. The tears slow down, but they don’t exactly stop. I stare at the beautiful view across the sky. The trees and hills are mapped out in a way that doesn’t even seem real.
I wish you were here. I wish I could talk to you. I wish I could tell you happy birthday. Hug you one good time, but specifically the really good hugs you give me when I’m upset. I made it up this time, I know you’d be so proud.
I think back to the times we would spend every single day together. We began finishing each other’s sentences, our brains began to sync up, and we would say things at the same time. We would think the same thoughts at the same time. I’m hoping our unrealistic telepathy works across the country, just so he’ll get even the tiniest touch of how badly I miss him.
I sit for what ends up being a few hours, so deep into my thoughts I don’t even realize the sun is starting to set. I stand up and grab my backpack, ready to make my way back down the trail. It takes me a moment to be able to leave. My heart stings a bit at the thought of walking away from this place and the memories it carries. It’s getting dark though. I walk towards the spot I used to climb up here, and I freeze.
I take one final glance at the view and the rock surrounding me before I come to a decision. I jump down from the rock and make my way back down the trail. It’s significantly easier going down, almost freeing. I feel no pain throughout my body and almost lighter in weight. The sun sets behind me as I continue to walk in silence. The overwhelming calm consumes me once more.
