We live and breath in the hope that things would change. That the love we had was real. We try to be truthful to be we are. My heart is always going to be broken and wonder why this whole thing happened. Why I tried to choose whoever I was. I dreamed of a world with her, a life, something real, the underlaying chemistry I had with her. And yet, the world came crashing down, she was not ready, she disappeared.
This dream I had was just shambles, product of my own imagination, but also the hope that she wanted this too. It just seemed like she was my priority while I far far down the list. I wanted to understand truly why the shift,the change, I was hurt, the more you invest the more you have to lose. I would have given up anything to get one chance, to be something to one and another.
We talk but we don’t talk, knowing so much about each other’s life, I can’,t quite turn my heart off. But the hope is not dead, so many ifs, if her life is better, if she is not interested by someone else, if we are still close, then there is still a chance that we become something. I am who I am, I don’t want to convince anyone that we can be more. I had hope to be different from her previous bad experience, and the problem is I cannot get her out of my head. I cannot move on stuck in this limbo, hooked to the possibility of something more.
The heart and the head want and know different things and this indecision is constant, every action, words is weighten to evaluate if it is too much, not enough.I have no clue what to do. I was scared to admit how I felt because it could close the door for it. Because the worse thing is that I truly think now that in her own way she cares on some level for me I just don’t understand. I am in her thoughts, but that is not enough to take that step. Sometimes I wished my heart was crushed so I could move on, I walk a dangerous emotional path, I will not get sick of her. She is what I always dreamed, driven, unique, raw.
So what now ? The heart wonders is all this pain really worth it, the brain wonders, is that her way to grow and deal with issues. I want to protect myself, love is not simple, but maybe that’s not what that is. Do I really want or care about a friendship which is so fucked up ? Which plays with my strings like a yoyo, I would give everything for her and that’s the danger isn’t it. Kindness and love should not be taken for granted, what I wish and what is the reality should be understood. This burden, to have lived and seen her when I thought she liked me and now. But now it feels that first time I’m seeing her as who she really is, flawed, self centered, laser focused on her work. Not quite the picture I had.
What to do ? I don’t know,, the sane thing would be to move on. But I can’t quite get myself to do it. Still trying to understand her, mood swings, disappearance, but also caring in her own strange way. Is that bad for me ? Surely, yes, but at the same time, if I don’t care, if I expect nothing, it might just work a tiny bit. Until the day when she falls for someone else. Initially this very though would give me throwing up vibes, just like a selfish asshole I would have no right nor reason to feel this way. The more time passed, the more I’m okay with this. People give what they can, I just don’t know how I would explain my relationship with her, but that’s another story to disentagle.
Time heals the heart, the world still spins whatever my heart feels and perhaps they are more important things then the stupidity of my own life. In the hope of finding love we make everything about ourselves, believing that a single relationship is the most important one. I just wished love was simple but it hasn’t been for me. yet.
