It’s impossible to predict how long a first date will last. You could be with a person for one hour or five, depending on how things go. Sometimes a long first date feels like a good thing, especially when you click right away. Other times, your eyes are desperately searching for the exit.
It’s why many people love the “90-minute rule.” On TikTok, creator @cara_hays, who went on 30 first dates in a year, said it’s one of her top dating tips. “An hour and a half is enough time to get to know someone and give them a fair shot at getting to know you,” she said in a video.
This timeframe also provides you with the perfect out. Like many people, Cara has let first dates drag on for longer than she’s liked. Now, she always sets an expectation upfront: “I go into every single first date with an excuse to leave after 90 minutes, whether it’s, ‘I have to let my dog out’ or ‘I have a workout class at 6 a.m.’”
She follows this rule whether the first meetup is rom-com-level amazing or clearly not a match. “It makes the date so much more enjoyable because you know you only have to survive 90 minutes,” she said. Here, a therapist weighs in on why this simple boundary works.
The Power Of A 90-Minute First Date
According to psychotherapist Eliza Davis, LCSW, the 90-minute rule is comforting because it adds structure to a situation that often feels unpredictable. Instead of worrying about how you’ll keep a convo going for three hours or agonizing over how to leave gracefully, you can ease into the experience knowing it won’t last forever.
But this tip isn’t just about planning your exit strategy. “Ninety minutes allows your nervous system to settle, have enough time to understand the vibe of someone, and time to create real conversation,” she tells Bustle. If you tend to feel jittery on first dates, that timeframe helps you unwind, have fun, and show up as your authentic self.
An hour and a half will also allow you to get a better understanding of the other person’s values, interests, and potential compatibility, Davis says. Anything less doesn’t give you enough time to assess the situation, while anything more can feel like a chore. By the 90-minute mark, you’ll usually know whether you’re interested in a second date or ready to start swiping again.
On TikTok, @dani.coco1 adds that 90-minute dates can help avoid building a sense of “false intimacy,” too, which is what happens when you go on an extensive first date and then rush a relationship. Davis agrees: “I often hear people talk about going on a marathon date and how it gives them a false sense of hope for the future with that person.” A solid cutoff helps you slow things down and process how you actually feel.
As a bonus, keeping first dates short and sweet can help prevent burnout, says Davis. If you have a few drinks lined up for the week, capping each one at 90 minutes keeps things fun instead of exhausting. Of course, if a meet-up is truly a bust or you feel unsafe or disrespected, you can leave within 30 seconds — no questions asked.
But What If You’re Having Fun?
Let’s say you go in with the 90-minute rule in mind, but end up thinking you’ve found The One by the 20-minute mark. According to @cara_hays, it’s OK to play it by ear.
In her comments section on TikTok, she wrote, “You can totally be flexible. You ultimately get to decide what’s best for you in the moment.” If you want to grab another drink or extend the evening, there’s nothing wrong with that. As Davis says, this rule is more of a loose guideline that helps you stay intentional — one that should make it easier to look forward to date number two.
Source:
Eliza Davis, LCSW, psychotherapist, founder of Eliza Davis Therapy
