I am sitting feeling sad and tearful by myself.
I am a weak, predictable mess. We have been in contact. I have been sending him photos and videos of me. It gets a response at least.
And I asked him to send me something back, and he didn’t. And then yesterday he said he would send me something that night … and then he didn’t. He didn’t reply to me all day, though I could see him online.
Liar.
I sent him angry messages, deleting them almost immediately. Torn between wanting to vent my anger, and provoke him, and fear about proving him right. Making him angry. Giving him all the more reason to ignore me.
He would have known though. He would have seen I’d sent and deleted them. And still, he didn’t respond.
And I think about him on holiday with her. Having a lovely time, not thinking about me. Her not knowing about how much of a liar he is. Them working on their relationship. How happy they both are. Him not wanting me. How desperate I am to hear from him. How desperate I am to see him again.
He keeps saying to me he is just bad at messaging — how it isn’t malicious. He messages me more than anyone else. And I believe him. In that moment I believe him. He isn’t ignoring me.
But he is ignoring me. He is not thinking about me. I am not important to him. I am small. I am something he wanted at one time, and now I have shown myself to be too much. He started something he had no ability to maintain. And now he casts me aside. And I sit here, full of self-blame, and loathing and pity.
It hurts so much.
I have blocked and deleted him again. The saddest thing is that he probably won’t even notice or think about it for a few weeks. Or maybe even longer. Will he even notice at all? Will he see my greyed-out empty profile pic and sigh to himself. Knowing I’ll unblock him again in the future and this whole sorry cycle will start over.
Why do I keep letting myself be put through this? Why am I letting him grind me down, ruin me, make me smaller? Why do I even waste my energy? Why do I fucking care?
I just feel so angry. The rage inside me is unreal. It’s alive. It’s growing. I feel sick with it.
I want to swear at him. Tell him he’s a fucking liar. He’s being a shit. He’s treating me like shit.
But if I swear at him. If I lose my temper with him. He’ll block me. He’ll have a legitimate reason to block me and push me away. He’s started threatening me with that now.
How can he say to me he has feelings and cares about me, and then he does this?
And while I know in part it’s silly — he’s on holiday after all. On holiday with his wife. BE REAL. This is EXACTLY what he was talking about — me getting angry, writing long essays, going off on one and being crazy and then trying to call him … I can’t help it.
I am going crazy.
Why am I letting myself be such an afterthought?
I can feel myself getting closer and closer to messaging her. To telling someone. I want to. I can’t go on like this for much longer.
I keep unblocking and blocking him.
You fucking liar.
I can’t even threaten him with telling because that is my trump card. My ace. My get out of jail free.
Single use only.
Blocking and unblocking. Block.
Unblock.
No point in messaging when he hasn’t been online in hours and likely won’t even see it.
Block.
Unblock.
Block.
Unblock.
Block.
Just go to bed. You’ll feel better in the morning.
