When you’ve left an abusive relationship, it’s not a rare spectacle to think, see, or even imagine your abusive ex — who looked cold and depressed most of the time when you were in the relationship together — looking seemingly happy.
When you’re not aware and you’re still clinging to that ex, you will feel disturbed, and floods of thoughts will flow through your mind — you may think that you were the one who was ‘limiting’ them, or that they’ve changed, or even that you were the abusive one in the relationship.
This may be reinforced by them telling your close friends how free they feel now or explaining that the relationship was suffocating and that’s why they were so depressed.
To onlookers, there may be noticeable external changes in how your ex is carrying themselves. This may even lead those close to you to see you as the one who ruined things or held your abusive ex back.
When you haven’t fully cleansed the negativity you picked up from those relationships, you may deeply believe that you were the problem, which will only make you feel even sadder. Your mind will keep circling, bringing back scenarios where you wronged your ex or were a bit selfish — just so it can pin you as the one who truly made them unhappy.
But are they really happy?
Actually, on the outside, they may fake it and put on a smiling face — but as they say, stop looking at the surface; true happiness lies within. We can all fake smiles and manufacture those seemingly happy faces in a crowd, but it’s when we’re alone, deep in the night, that we truly see and feel the emptiness behind the façade.
This doesn’t mean that your abusive ex cannot be happy — they can, but they would need to be honest and do the inner work, which they rarely do, as it involves taking responsibility and dropping the façade.
Also, something about happiness — if someone is truly happy, they will rarely mention it or even try to show it; they simply marvel in their bliss. But for your abusive ex, they will want to show it off, because for them, it’s all about competition and comparison.
And when you’re not deeply aware and careful, your mind may pull you into that vicious cycle of trying to match your ex’s ‘happiness’ or constantly comparing your life to theirs. When you compare — or rather, unconsciously allow your mind to compare — your life to that of your ex, you get stuck in your healing journey because your frame of reference is external.
You’re directing your energy toward someone who is deeply entangled in a mask they don’t even realize they’re wearing. For narcissists, their mask becomes almost like their personality, which makes it incredibly hard to see what’s beneath. And layered on top of that mask is where they begin to plot how to flaunt their ‘new happy life’ in your face.
Turn the Mirror Inwards
Forget your ex. Forget what they’re doing. Forget who they’re with. Turn the mirror inward. Are you happy?
If you truly reflect on this, you’ll realize that your mind is tricking you into focusing on your ex, so you don’t see what’s lurking in the shadows or lying dormant in your unconscious. The moment you understand this, you’ll see that there’s no happiness without responsibility and without owning all the fragments of yourself. That’s when happiness can arise — an intrinsic feeling that’s difficult to explain.
So, the choice is yours: do you want to be happier than your ex, or do you simply want to be happy for yourself?
The former will keep you stuck in victimhood, while the latter will lead you to true happiness. It may be emotionally challenging — or a path you’ll want to avoid because it feels lonely — but it’s the only path to deep fulfilment. Your ex can be happy or unhappy, or do whatever they want, but that doesn’t have to destabilize you.
Your focus on them and what they’re doing is because your foundations are not stable enough, and you haven’t freed yourself from someone who used to both validate and berate you. Wake up and focus on your own unhappiness, and then you might get lucky and understand true happiness.
Note from the Author
If you’re ready and you’d like my help with healing, finding peace in life and breaking free from these toxic patterns, then you can book a FREE BREAKTHROUGH CALL with me HERE. Happy healing 💙💙. Feel free to share and comment! Use this information with caution, it comes from my own thoughts & bias, experiences and research😊.
