In this week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions, I chat with chartered psychologist Suzy Reading, author of How to Be Selfish, about “selfishness” and why reclaiming the right to self is essential for healing our relationship with ourselves and creating reciprocity in our relationships.
We explore how childhood experiences systematically disconnected us from our needs and feelings. From not being allowed to use the bathroom at school to the modern messaging around resilience, gratitude, and post-traumatic growth, these deny authentic human expression and make us feel guilty for struggling. Been afraid that self-care makes you selfish? Felt stuck in the cycle of depletion while waiting for others to notice? Struggling to articulate your needs because there’s so much conversation in your head but little coming out of your mouth? This episode offers permission and practical guidance for living like you matter too.
IN THIS EPISODE…
- You’re not selfish by creating healthier boundaries and honouring yourself. The traditional understanding of selfish is someone who prioritises only themselves to the detriment or exploitation of others. But resting after caring for others all day, voicing preferences, saying no to requests, or accepting offered help, these aren’t selfish acts; they’re self-advocacy.
- Childhood conditioning systematically disconnects us from our bodies and needs. We’re raised to believe certain feelings and needs make us less than, that compliant is “good” and anything that doesn’t fit is “bad”.
- Toxic resilience and gratitude messaging deny authentic human experience. Modern messaging around resilience, gratitude, and post-traumatic growth has twisted into expecting people to be unaffected by life, grow through everything they go through, and feel guilty for struggling when others have it worse. This “suffering Olympics” creates emotional bypassing, where you skip over real feelings to appear resilient, compare your messy insides to others’ polished outsides, and dismiss your own wounds without acknowledging them.
- Resentment stems from unvoiced disappointment or an unmet need. When there’s a gap between what you want to do and what you feel obliged to do, resentment builds. For highly sensitive people who naturally read and meet others’ needs before they’re voiced, rage builds when that’s not reciprocated.
- Small acts of self-connection have cumulative power. Coming home to yourself doesn’t require elaborate self-care routines. Simple practices like asking “How am I doing today?”, the face hug exercise for tenderness, noticing when you haven’t eaten or used the bathroom, feeling sunlight on your skin, or sending a connection text build into tiny habits that communicate “I’m somebody who pays attention to myself”.
LINKS MENTIONED AND RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
- Suzy Reading’s Instagram, where you can enjoy her daily love notes.
- Suzy’s latest book, How to Be Selfish
- More of Suzy’s books: Rest to Reset and This Book Will Help Make You Happy
- My book, The Joy of Saying No: A Simple Plan to Stop People Pleasing, Reclaim Boundaries, and Say Yes to the Life You Want
- Embrace Healthy Boundaries: An audio course about boundaries for people who’ve lost themselves trying to keep everyone else happy.
- Ep. 242: But Will You Get Into Trouble? (and the Age of Obedience)
- Ep. 307: Why Resentment Shows Up and What to Do About It
- Ep. 276: New Year, New No, and Recognising the Dark Side of People Pleasing
- Ep. 248: Keeping It Real About Self-Esteem
- Ep. 229: Burning Out from Being There for Others
- Ep. 71: Career Stuckness, The Self-Care Sandwich, Irrational Jealousy
- Ep. 233: Eek, Am I Doing Self-Care Wrong?
- Ep. 219: You Are Allowed to Rest
- From Emotional Shutdown to Self-Compassion: My Self-Care Evolution
- Knowing the Line Between Putting Yourself First and Being “Selfish”
- We Need to Talk About “Selfish”
- Having Needs and Boundaries Doesn’t Make You a Bad Person
- These “good qualities” you cling to, why aren’t you benefiting from them?
- My book, 100 Days of Baggage Reclaim, is packed with the small acts of self-connection that build into higher self-esteem and more loving relationships and experiences
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