Name: Quiet divorce.
Age: Ancient, probably.
Appearance: Living together, separately.
Oh good, some upbeat news. Sorry, but no. Quiet divorce is characterised by years of living in a state of deep, resigned unhappiness.
Wait, is this another gen Z thing? The oldest members of gen Z are about 30, so hopefully they haven’t spent that many years in a loveless marriage.
You know what I mean. Is this just a new name for something that has always been around? Oh, right, so similar to how gen Z invented the term “quiet quitting” when, in reality, people have been zoning out at work for centuries?
Yes, exactly that. Well, in that case, yes, that’s precisely what this is.
Glad we got that sorted. So, quiet divorce is … When couples check out of their marriage emotionally without formally separating.
When in reality … That is just a description of every marriage there has ever been in the entire history of humanity.
That’s a glum assessment. OK, fine, perhaps not every marriage. Think of it as carving out a bit of “me time” within a permanent relationship. Would you prefer the term “subconsciously uncoupling”?
No, I absolutely would not. And why not just get divorced? Oh, lots of reasons. Last year, Buzzfeed published a piece titled 25 Unhappily Married People Are Sharing Why They’ll Never Get a Divorce, and It’s Genuinely Heart-Wrenching, and the reasons included children, illness and financial dependence.
Oh boy. Don’t be downhearted. In a piece for the Cut, Monica Corcoran Harel laid out quiet divorce as a potentially positive move.
Really? Sure! She spoke to one woman who absolutely loved “going zombie” in her marriage. “I lowered my overall expectations, which lowered my disappointment in my husband — and in myself,” the woman said, adding that checking out of her relationship “freed me up to learn how to make jewellery too”.
This might be the most depressing thing I’ve ever read. It shouldn’t be. Life is hard. Marriage is hard. But you know what else is horrible? Getting divorced, then hitting the apps and realising you have entered a world full of terrible insecurity, awful behaviour and mounting desperation.
So quiet divorce is a compromise? Yes. You no longer have to watch as your identity slowly ebbs away, and you still get to live in a decent house and maintain a comfortable routine.
It sounds great! Where do I sign? That’s the best bit: you don’t have to sign anything. Just think of all the money you’re saving on divorce lawyers.
Do say: “Quietly divorcing your spouse might save your marriage.”
Don’t say: “And all it will cost is your soul.”
