In my 20s, now it feels so long ago, I always strived to be like someone else other than myself.
There was always someone cooler or more outspoken that I wished to become.
I clearly remember someone I met when I was 18 or 19, during that time between high school and college. Years later, she started travelling and visiting art museums. As an avid art fan, I was thinking to myself, why don’t I also go visit a museum?
When growing up, we would always be taken to artsy places from school. But when you are an adult, it is kind of expected that you take matters into your own hands.
Now, in my 30s, I know that I eventually overcame my fear of flying alone and went to many art exhibitions while travelling in Japan. It now feels like an accomplishment to the younger me, but it also does not.
It is like I completely disregard my previous struggles and start anew, and my baseline is different when it should not be.
Flying by myself was such a big fear because of the logistics. I felt like I would get lost at the airport, that I would not find my designated seat on the plane, and that I would make fun of myself for behaving like a lost kid.
I was so harsh on myself all the time, trying to convince myself I was not good enough.
But why am I still sticking to this toxic trait?
I still find myself not believing in myself. Having flown solo to Korea four times, I still wonder why I feel so lacking.
Growing up, my parents told me that I always needed to be on my toes, do my research, and not get lost. But I still get lost. I still find myself wondering: how can I overcome my own maze of a brain?
Maybe I do not need to overcome every part of myself.
Maybe I need to start giving myself credit for the things that once felt impossible.
