Just this second, I finally rewatched Mean Girls and 13 Going on 30, which are my favourite movies of all time besides Roman Holiday. But one thing is for sure, I certainly can’t have their happy ending.
But you know what? Maybe I’m Regina George or worse some Lucy bitch from 13 Going on 30. I always hate when someone is one step ahead of me, I always want to be the number one for everyone in my life, yet I hate craving the validation for it.. especially the validation that comes from my own thoughts.
If my life is a movie, maybe I’m closer to Clementine. Heck, she has BPD too, so yeah, that’s why you can find that we have some (lots) of particular things for being peculiar.
Otherwise, my life is not just a 2-hour romance with one big conflict. It has so many episodes that I don’t even remember most of them. I hate most things in my life, from the way I act to the way I say, and to everything that I do in every second of it.
I don’t know when I will have the happy ending, or maybe it’s simply an open ending movie? We never know. I don’t even know, that’s why I write it with a question mark (duh).
But one thing is for sure, I’m very grateful to still have this life. Not for every trauma, not for every major conflict that happened to me, but I am thankful to be alive and able to pass everything on my own. Maybe for some people, this seems like I put all the weight on me, but you know what? We can’t just rely on people for our mistakes and traumas. We need to face it on our own.
So yeah, if my life is like a movie, maybe I’ll just be an antihero like Deadpool. And certainly, my life will not be ended by some cancer or ugly face, and the urge to haunt the joy of killing. I just need to end every season beautifully, so the storyline will not be boring and people will enjoy it, so that I can create my own happy ending.
