Many of us have been in toxic, unhealthy relationships. They can be so harmful to our mental, physical and emotional health. But I’m trying to see how much they taught me and how they can help me to grow.
Love, lust or limerance can make us so blind to the way we are being treated. You often look back once a bad relationship has ended and think “shit, how did I not notice that” or “how did I put up with that behaviour for so long?” The truth is, it is so easy to ignore red flags or to feel that you can fix someone just because you want it to work out.
Obviously I wish I had never been in a relationship like that and the blame isn’t all on the other person. I’ve had many moments of being the toxic one too but this is definitely something I have been working on. In fact, I worked on it maybe a little too hard and it made me actually keep quiet instead of exploding meaning that my needs and feelings were not expressed at all and therefore not met making me miserable and, at times, very unwell.
These types of relationships have taught me how much patience I can have when I care about someone and how I will give people chances time and time again. I thought being a forgiving person was being a good person, but it made me ignore my own boundaries and accept behaviours less than what I deserved. I have thought about all of the times I’ve been hurt or hurt someone else and, if I ever feel ready for another serious relationship, I will take these memories with me so that I don’t lose myself in the same way again.
I won’t tolerate the things I have done in the past. Accepting mixed messages, being someone’s priority one day and option the next, waiting for people who couldn’t give me the commitment they expected from me, the feeling of being less than or unworthy or feeling that I have to beg to be loved. I had my confidence knocked so much that I genuinely didn’t feel that I deserved better or that I was the problem and I can look back, easily and confidently now, at my last “relationship” and say I was not the problem. Our paths just didn’t align because I deserved better and needed the universe to scream it in my face until I heard it and had the strength to let go.
The weirdest part is, I wasn’t even in love. It was something built from convenience to start. Sure, there were strong feelings, but I sacrificed so much of myself for something that wasn’t worth it at all. I became miserable, anxious, depressed. They kept me holding on whilst keeping options open and would tell me that I wasn’t to do the same. I was to sit around and be with only them, whilst actually not officially being with them, whilst they had the freedom to do what they wanted, using the excuse of “well we aren’t actually together”.
I don’t look back and feel stupid, I look back and think I am so much stronger now and that there are so many qualities in that person that I absolutely do not want in my life going forwards. I’m kind, affectionate, loving, funny, thoughtful. I have a lot to offer people and I need to make sure they are offering me something in return.
I’m not the same girl desperate to be loved at any cost anymore. I’m a strong, independent woman who is still kind, affectionate, loving, funny and thoughtful. But now, only towards those who earn it. Anybody who wishes to be with me in future needs to add to my life, not deplete my love for it.
