“Ghosting is often done when a person is unable to directly express how they feel,” Dr. Seo tells SELF. Maybe someone you went on a date with just didn’t feel a spark and wasn’t sure how to say that without being mean. Or a conflict-avoidant friend was upset you canceled plans again, but instead of bringing it up, they pulled away. Whatever the case, “their silence could likely be a reflection of their challenges with healthy communication, not of your worth,” she explains—a reality check that can be incredibly grounding when you’re stuck in a cycle of self-blame.
3. Fact-check the story you’re telling yourself.
In moments of uncertainty, our minds tend to fill in the blanks with worst-case scenarios—and that explains why “unhelpful beliefs about being a terrible person, a bad friend, or unworthy of love, might start popping up after you’ve been ghosted,” Natalie Moore, LMFT, owner of Space for Growth Therapy and Coaching in Pasadena, California, tells SELF.
Even though it’s natural to have these automatic, mean thoughts, it’s important to remember that they’re just that: thoughts, not cold, hard facts. So rather than accepting them at face value, “be aware of these false assumptions and counter them with ones that are more realistic, compassionate, and accurate,” Moore says—which means getting into the habit of asking, What evidence do I actually have to back this up?
If your brain instantly goes to, My situationship stopped replying because I’m not attractive enough, for instance, pause and question it. Did they ever say that? (Well, no.) Did they act like they weren’t into you? (Actually, they complimented me and we even made out twice.) What do you know for sure? (We went on three dates. They also mentioned they just got out of a long-term relationship.) Ultimately, when you ground yourself in rational observations, it gets a whole lot easier to gain perspective and stop internalizing what may not even have been about you in the first place.
4. Write them a letter—but don’t send it.
There’s so much you might want to say but can’t after you’ve been left in the dust: We’ve been friends for a year and you just disappeared—WTF. You’re such a cowardly jerk for blocking me after three months of dating!
To get that confusion, bitterness, and resentment out of your system, Moore recommends writing a brutally honest letter (either on paper or in your notes app) to the person who hurt you. “This doesn’t mean you ever have to send it,” she points out. “It’s more for you to express everything you wish you could say without retaliation.” That might include calling them out for being an inconsiderate asshole or vulnerably sharing how their silence left you embarrassed, insecure, and anxious. Even if they’re not actually receiving your note, this exercise can at least give you space to vent, reflect, and process lingering emotions to build “closure” on your own, Moore says.
5. Delete reminders that drag you back into the past.
Sometimes, photos, texts, or inside jokes that remind you of the good times are the ones that sting the most. One second you’re fine, and the next you’re deep in your last chat history, analyzing every message or punctuation mark and ruminating over how things went so wrong.
