“It takes courage to grow up and become who you really are.” ~E.E. Cummings
When I was a little girl, I had the smallest bedroom in the house.
It was tiny. Honestly, probably the size of a small walk-in closet. But it was mine. And for the first time, I got to choose what it looked like.
I remember picking out baby blue wallpaper with little pink flowers on it. My mom put it halfway up the wall with a wood border, and the top half stayed white. I chose a soft blue carpet to match. I had a twin bed, a small desk, and just enough space on the floor to sit next to my bed.
It wasn’t much, but I loved that room. I was proud of it.
Every morning in the summer, I had a routine. My mom would leave for work, and I’d wake up and pour myself a bowl of cereal. Back then, I was a picky eater and pretty much only ate sugar. Hello, 1990.
After my breakfast, I’d start cleaning my room and get ready to go to the neighborhood pool down the street.
I made my bed. I picked everything up. I vacuumed the carpet. Every day.
The neighborhood pool didn’t open until noon, and I’d walk there by myself, but before I left, my room had to be clean. It wasn’t something I questioned. It was just what I did.
At the time, I didn’t think much of it. It felt normal. It just felt good. I liked how my room looked when everything was in its place. I liked the way it made me feel.
But I didn’t understand why. I didn’t understand that outside of my room, my life felt anything but calm.
I grew up in a home where you never quite knew what was going to happen next. There was tension, fear, and a constant sense of walking on eggshells.
You didn’t know what kind of mood someone would be in or what might set things off. You learned to pay attention to everything—tone, energy, small shifts—because those mattered.
Even when nothing was happening, it didn’t always feel calm. There was a kind of unpredictability that stayed in the background.
Even as a child, you learn to read energy before you understand it. And when you can’t control what’s happening around you, you find something you can control.
For me, that was my room.
In that space, everything stayed where I put it. Nothing surprised me. Nothing felt unpredictable.
Looking back, I can see that I wasn’t just cleaning. I was creating a sense of stability in a life that didn’t have much of it.
I was giving myself something steady to hold onto. I didn’t have the language for it then, but I feel it now when I think about that little girl, moving around her room, making sure everything was just right before she left for the day.
It wasn’t about perfection. It was about feeling okay. That realization didn’t hit me until recently.
I was cleaning my house, listening to an audiobook. I hadn’t even planned on doing much, but once I got started, I became completely immersed in it.
And it hit me. This isn’t new.
I clean when I’m overwhelmed. I clean when I’m angry. I clean when things feel off.
It’s almost automatic. For a long time, I questioned it. Why can’t I relax when things feel messy? Why do I feel this need to fix everything before I can settle down?
It felt like something in me wouldn’t settle until everything around me was handled.
I’d try to ignore it sometimes and tell myself to sit down, relax, and leave it for later, but it wouldn’t last long. Because I knew how it would end. I wouldn’t feel calm until it was done.
That little bedroom wasn’t just a room. It was the one place I felt safe. It was the only place in my life where I had control.
Cleaning isn’t just something I do. It’s something I go to. It was how I created that feeling, the feeling of calm.
When I saw it that way, something shifted.
It stopped feeling like something I needed to fix and started feeling like something I could understand and even respect.
There are a lot of ways people can cope when life feels overwhelming. A lot of ways people try to regain control when things feel uncertain. And this? This is one that brings me back to myself.
Instead of questioning it, I understood it. Instead of thinking, “Why am I like this?” I thought, “Of course I am.”
A lot of what we do as adults doesn’t start here. It starts much earlier in ways we don’t fully understand at the time.
We adapt. We find ways to cope. We create small pockets of control, safety, and relief wherever we can.
And those patterns don’t just disappear. They follow us. Sometimes quietly, sometimes in ways we don’t even question until something makes us stop and look closer.
For me, it looked like cleaning. Not because I needed everything to be perfect, but because order helped me feel grounded. It gave me something steady to come back to when everything else felt uncertain.
And when I look at it that way, it changes how I see myself. Now, when I find myself wiping down counters or reorganizing a space when I’m overwhelmed, I don’t fight it the way I used to.
I recognize it. It’s familiar. It’s something that’s been with me for a long time. But more than that, it’s something that helped me get through. And maybe that’s the part worth paying attention to.
Not just the pattern itself but what it was doing for me. Because when we start to understand where our behaviors come from, something shifts.
We stop reacting to ourselves. We start seeing the connection. We start realizing that the things we’ve carried with us, sometimes without even noticing, were never random.
They were responses. They were ways of adapting. They were ways of making life feel manageable, even when it wasn’t.
If you find yourself repeating certain behaviors, it may be worth asking what they’re giving you, not just why they’re there.
When you can see that clearly, there’s less judgment, more awareness, and more choice.
That little girl cleaning her room every morning wasn’t trying to be perfect. She was creating something she needed.
And in a lot of ways, I still am.
About Cylina Miller
Cylina Miller is a writer focused on self-awareness, emotional growth, and understanding the deeper “why” behind our patterns. Through personal experience storytelling, she explores how early experiences shape the way we think, feel, and navigate life. She shares more reflections and resources at:
