This week’s episode of The Baggage Reclaim Sessions is deeply personal. In it, I share the story of breaking up with my mother nearly two years ago, exploring both the immediate events that led to that decision and the lifelong patterns that made it necessary. I dig into why it took until age 45 to make this choice, how I’ve navigated the aftermath, and why stepping away from certain relationships – even with parents – can sometimes be the most loving choice for everyone involved.
IN THIS EPISODE…
- Breaking up with a parent isn’t about a single moment, but the culmination of a lifetime of experiences. Sometimes it takes decades to reach this decision, and that’s okay. We make these choices when we’re ready, not when others think we should. The timing is unique to each person’s journey.
- When dealing with an emotionally immature or abusive parent, their lack of remorse or self-reflection can be startling. Recognising that they may never feel genuine remorse for their actions – and may even justify them – is often a crucial turning point in deciding to step away.
- The ‘Other Mother’ experience differs vastly from societal portrayals of motherhood. Many of us have mothers who don’t fit the Hallmark image. They may be jealous, possessive, emotionally manipulative, or engage in parentification. Acknowledging this reality helps release the shame of not having a ‘typical’ mother.
- Distancing and boundaries can help manage difficult relationships, but they don’t transform people who fundamentally lack respect for those boundaries. At some point, we may need to accept that no amount of effort or ‘boundary-setting’ will create the healthy relationship we desire.
- Stepping away from a parent doesn’t mean you don’t care. You can care for and love your parent and also know you care enough about yourself to stop participating in a dynamic that harms you. It’s possible to feel both grief and peace, to know it’s the right decision while still processing the loss of what could have been.
LINKS MENTIONED AND RECOMMENDED RESOURCES
- Ep. 279: Return of Nat (Come on)
- I Broke Up With My Mother Part One – the three-part series I wrote about what happened and why
- Research about how it takes, on average, seven attempts to leave an abusive relationship
- Ep. 280: Secrets, Lies, and Coming Out
- Ep. 281: “Is There Something About Me?”
- Podcast Ep. 98: From Silent to Speaking Up & Speaking Out
- The Joy of Saying No
- Apologies and remorse in ep. 105: Sorry Seems To Be The Hardest Word
- How can they keep doing what they know will hurt us?
- Ep. 283: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
- Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Dr. Lindsay C. Gibson
- Ep. 204: Let’s Talk About Family Estrangement
- Download my Letters to Your Younger Self guide
- Learn how to write unsent letters with my guide
- Break the Cycle: A Guide to Healing Intergenerational Trauma by Mariel Buqué
- Ep. 121: The Release & Relief of Giving Up On Try-ing
- What Happened to You?: Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing by Oprah Winfrey and Dr Bruce Perry
- The Myth of Normal by Dr Gabor Maté
- Ep. 10: Future Faking, Options With Tricky Family Members, Yikes! Another Favour!
- Ep. 35: I Like What You Like, Tricky Family Members, Regretful Fast Forwarding
- Ep. 65: More Ideas Than Time, How To Avoid Drama With That Family Member, Trusting Yourself
- Ep. 258: It’s Not Our Job to Meet Our Parents’ Expectations
- Some Parents Couldn’t Be Who We Needed, and We Need to Forgive Ourselves
- Together Estranged
- Stand Alone
- The Pain of Family Estrangement (Cornell University)
- Speaking of Psychology: Coping with family estrangement, with Lucy Blake, PhD (American Psychological Organisation)
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The post Estrangement Lessons: Why I Had to Break up With My Mother appeared first on Baggage Reclaim with Natalie Lue.
