Dating app bios are full of buzzwords. When someone says they “value loyalty” or are “looking for love,” it helps paint a picture of who they are as a person. It might even encourage you to swipe right, especially if you value the same things.
If you start dating, these big, important words will follow you into your relationship. A new partner might drop the L bomb and say they “love” you or talk about how they want to “commit,” and it can truly feel magical. It doesn’t, however, necessarily mean you’re compatible.
According to TikTok creator and certified breakup coach @lauraleabalanced, that’s because it’s not enough to say these words out loud: You actually need to define them. The way you define relational words like love, loyalty, marriage, commitment, trust, etc., could be completely different from how your partner defines them, and it’s better to know sooner rather than later as a way to avoid future heartbreak.
On the app, counselor and coach @mental_unwind also pointed out the importance of making sure you’re on the same page with your language. “Everyone knows that words have meaning, and we know that communication in a relationship is paramount,” she said in the clip. “But what we don’t talk about is defining what a word means — outside of the dictionary definition — and what it means to us.” Here’s why it can make or break your relationship.
Defining Big Words In Your Relationship
According to therapist Danielle Sethi, LMFT, it’s common for two people to use the same words in a sentence, like love or commitment, but mean entirely different things. “These are words that derive meaning through experiences,” she tells Bustle, and are therefore going to be different for everyone.
Think about what the word “loyalty” means to you. While your partner might think it means “agreeing with each other 24/7,” you might think it means “sticking by each other’s side even when times are tough.” In that case, one partner might feel like their partner isn’t showing up for them, while the other feels ignored.
It’s not that either definition is necessarily wrong, but it does mean you’re speaking a different language, Sethi says.
Until you define all the key relationship words, you run the risk of frustrating each other, arguing, and maybe even breaking up.
“Defining these words is [about] building understanding,” Sethi says. “When partners compare definitions, they’re revealing their needs, fears, expectations, and past experiences that may have shaped all of the above.”
Once you understand the meaning you both assign to these words, it’ll be easier to tell if you’re truly compatible. It’ll also make it easier to show up for one another if you decide to stick together.
“This type of conversation — saying the quiet or assumed parts out loud — prevents miscommunication and unmet expectations, which can lead to hurt feelings and resentment,” she says. “It’s like resetting a compass together so you actually walk in the same direction.”
How To Have The Chat
Feeling bold? Go ahead and ask your match to define your must-know words on a first date. As the drinks arrive at the table, look at them and say something like, “So, what has love looked like for you in the past?” or “What does the word commitment mean to you?” If that feels too intense, wait for it to come up naturally in the future.
“It doesn’t have to be a heavy ‘sit-down’ conversation,” Sethi says. “I love to encourage deeper and meaningful dialogue woven into natural moments to make these topics feel more normal and accessible.”
You might define your words as you build an emotional bond, chat about becoming exclusive, or if conflict starts to emerge. A quick, “Wait, so what exactly does commitment mean to you?” could do wonders for your relationship.
Signs You’re Not Compatible
Pay attention to how you feel when your partner defines these big words. Does it seem like they want the same things as you? Or are you shocked by their answer?
While mismatched definitions aren’t an automatic dealbreaker, they can hint at red flags, especially if the word isn’t one you can compromise on. For example, “fidelity holds much more weight than ambition for most couples,” Dr. Jasmonae Joyriel, a licensed psychologist, sex therapist, and founder of Ignite Anew, tells Bustle. “You may disagree on what ambition means and still make a relationship work. It’s unlikely with fidelity.”
Get clear on where you draw the line. If you want to get married and have kids, make sure “marriage” and “family” are defined and agreed upon. If you’re looking for commitment, defining loyalty will be key. If you just want to have fun, check in about freedom and trust.
It’s also important to keep in mind that many of these words have layers to them, so you may have to check back in or redefine them as your relationship unfolds. “We also become more or less attached to definitions as we experience new things in life,” Joyriel says. “You should regularly check in with words that feel significant to you and the relationship.”
Sources:
Danielle Sethi, LMFT, licend marriage and family therapist
Dr. Jasmonae Joyriel, licensed psychologist, sex therapist, founder of Ignite Anew
