It’s survival of the thirstiest in this treacherous digital savannah.
Behold the human male – strong, confident, agile. This one is around 25, a creature in his prime. As a species, Homo sapiens are highly social, yet remarkably awkward when it involves the delicate dance of courtship.
Like many in the animal kingdom, this human is looking for a mate. Unlike the praying mantis, the female of which is known to tear her partner’s head off during copulation, this creature is looking for something a little more long-term. To find it, he must venture into the vast, glowing expanse of the digital landscape – a realm as complex as any coral reef.
One of the more common mating rituals of the human is the creation of a dating profile. This practice has evolved over the past 30 years since the origin of Match.com. Much like the Great Argus pheasant uses its magnificent wings to dazzle a mate, the profile serves as a digital plumage; a curated display of vitality, travel photography, and an inexplicable obsession with fermented dough.
When preparing a selfie, the male puffs out his chest, a behaviour designed to attract female counterparts and one that is strikingly reminiscent of the mountain gorilla – bar, of course, the chest beating. A common concern for females in the natural world is whether her potential mate can provide for future offspring, so the photo often includes an object that proves his hunting prowess, such as holding up a large fish. It is a curious strategy, as the modern female rarely requires a damp carp for survival.
Now, they move to the next stage of pairing: the selection. If successful in finding a mate, the human may decide to give a gift – a ritual common throughout the animal kingdom. The Gentoo penguin offers a smooth pebble as a symbol of commitment. Humans also enjoy receiving rocks, though usually opt for ones that are significantly more shiny.
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But first, the human must find a partner agreeable to his advances. The search is fraught with danger. Peril lurks around every corner: swiping right instead of left, or selecting the wrong emoji – perhaps a misplaced aubergine or a premature heart – which can be as fatal to his prospects as a wrong note in the song of a humpback whale.
Even if a connection is made, the male faces the risk of a sudden vanishing of his prize. He may find himself ‘ghosted’ – a chilling digital silence that signals perhaps the most brutal form of social extinction in the modern age.
For the female, the hazards are even more profound. She must navigate a dense thicket of unsolicited displays – a digital landscape littered with ‘red flags’ and the ever-present threat of the ‘Catfish’. Not the aquatic species, which is unlikely to possess a profile, but the practice of presenting a deceptive image of oneself online. While the male seeks to broadcast his strength, the female must act as a master of predator-prey detection.
She sifts through the herd with a keen eye for genuine intent. A photo of a male in a bathroom mirror? Discarded. A list of demands in his bio? Avoided. She is searching for a sign of stability – perhaps a photo with a well-behaved canine, suggesting he is capable of caring for another living creature without losing his mind.
The stakes are high. One wrong swipe could lead to a ‘date’ – a ritualised meal where she may be trapped for hours listening to a monologue about cryptocurrency. It is a grueling process of elimination.
But wait… a signal has broken through the noise. A profile that does not feature a gym selfie. The female pauses. She considers his ‘stats.’ She swipes right. The connection is made.
He has found a match! The male human ponders his strategy. He must balance appearing casual with caution. Finally, after much deliberation, he makes his move. “Hey,” he types, then clicks ‘send’. A bold opening gambit. Now, we wait to see if the female responds, or if this particular evolutionary branch has reached a dead end.
In the vast, concrete jungle, millions of these tiny blue signals are being sent into the ether… a symphony of hope, desperation, and questionable grammar.
