Dear Human,
I loved heavily this year, and while I do not regret it, it hurts to see the dent it has put on my sense of worth and self. This is because, in my bid to love, I lost myself, not because loving is a bad thing, but because I sacrificed myself and my sanity in my eagerness to fulfil my desire to love others genuinely or find myself in their reflection when that love brings them fulfilment. What should be a simple reciprocity slowly became a demand for attention that could easily be equated to emotional enmeshment.
And as I reflect now, I realise I did not see the shift happening in real time, it crept in quietly, blurring the line between care and self erasure.
I have been told severally to put myself first. I just did not realise that pouring out love would be the lesson that lands that blow. Such harsh reality, very ironic that true love could bring one the biggest pain. Suddenly, I am here questioning everything, every deed, and every gesture, asking myself if I was wrong to love or if what I was expressing is indeed love.
And although I know it is love, because there is a trickle of joy in my heart when I manifest it, it is sad to see that the absence of reciprocity and the nonchalance of the ones at the receiving end can make this pure act of emotional nicety feel like a chore all of a sudden. The joy that once fuelled me now feels muted, like light behind a fogged mirror.
Did I love them? Yes. However, I may have slowly fallen into a trodden path of codependence, and that is not who I am, or at least who I was. I do not know where and when it happened, but I think I fumbled the thin line between emotional intimacy and emotional entanglement, and that realisation became a quiet awakening for me.
Why? Because I cannot recognise myself anymore. Loving makes me happy, but now it gives me anxiety, sadness, and distrust. Suddenly, giving it out makes me empty. And this emptiness feels like pouring water into a cracked vessel, everything leaks before it reaches my own thirst.
This is not because of the receivers who have the will to decide how they respond. It is because in loving, I unprioritized my happiness, hence the sudden depletion.
Before now, I used to know who I was. I cannot recognise this version of myself. I used to have a huge sense of worth, a strong sense of self, and loving someone for me was never a thirst that needed to be quenched; it was always about emotional resonance, not emotional reflection.
But these days, my emotions ride on the actions of others. When they are good, I am good; but when they are not, I am not. And acknowledging this feels like admitting that I slowly surrendered the steering wheel of my emotional life.
My self love used to be sufficient for me. I could walk into a space and light the room up feeling refreshed, not fatigued. It was never about the person or the people, it was about me first.
I know this letter sounds like I am too hard on myself, true, but I am also learning to give myself some grace, a little tenderness, a little softness. Because these things did not happen because I chose them or made any mistake. They happened because I am in a period in my life where I am struggling.
I have slowly replaced my self esteem and constant joy with survival, and when one is in that mode, it is really difficult to build confidence and not depend on others for nurturing. And to be honest, survival mode has a way of making everything feel urgent and nothing feel enough.
In this mode, most of the things happening to me are characterised by shame or guilt. Like recently, there was a need I could not meet, and that just made me feel less than a man, someone who is usually responsive and responsible.
Suddenly, self esteem is a luxury because I am too busy trying to survive, and the people I am surviving for do not recognise it. So I need to get back to surviving for myself first. If I fall apart, everything around me will fall apart, and everyone around me will disperse. And this is a holistic feeling, peculiar to friendship, church, relationship, and even family.
So the question for me now is, what do I need to do right now to rebuild my sense of self, self worth, and an integrated view of my value, so that the next time I am making a new friend, serving in community, relating with family, or pouring into my relationship, I am not looking for them to complete me?
Instead, I want to relish knowing who I am and focus on figuring out who they are and whether they are good for me. Going forward, there can be no emotional sentiments. If my right finger is depriving me of the love that will satisfy my soul without bias, I would cut it off. If who they are does not further furnish who I am or messes with my peace, I will walk away or keep my distance.
See, that is not me refusing to love them. It is me understanding that I am adequate without them and I have all the love I need. So going forward, I will stop fighting for the attention of others no matter how much I desire it. I will practice emotional detachment, set healthy boundaries, and keep working on what makes me a valuable man.
In the end, it is value that attracts, not love. As beautiful as love is, it is an afterthought of attraction.
I am choosing me.
This may affect the way people view me or the impressions I create, but the people who genuinely love me will now have the ball in their court. After all, I am also worth fighting for.
Ire O,
