Not everyone can stay long enough to feel the shift.
Some people leave the moment discomfort arrives, the moment the feeling becomes too heavy, too familiar. But if you stay, something changes. It shifts.
After a long time, I am back at home again.
It felt very heavy at first, not only for me but for my siblings as well. This apartment is old. It carries many memories, but it does not speak of freshness. There is a certain sadness in the walls, a weight that lingers in the air.
Children do not notice this.
They play. They are joyful. They enjoy the freedom in this apartment because nothing here truly matters to them. The furniture does not matter. It is here to be used, to be climbed on, to be destroyed if necessary. If something gets damaged, painted, or colored, it does not matter much. There is less tension around perfection, less pressure around keeping everything clean and untouched.
But for someone who is used to living in a modern, comfortable environment, where everything has its perfect place, this apartment can feel like a nightmare. It feels uncomfortable. Disorganized. Out of control.
The key, I realized, is to stay.
Stay longer than your comfort is asking you to leave.
I am not sure if other people experience this in the same way, but in my family it has always been like this. You arrive, you feel the resistance, the irritation, the urge to escape. And if you leave too soon, nothing changes.
But if you stay, something settles.
Right now, as I sit here, I notice the shift.
The moment everything became quieter inside me. The moment I started writing again. The moment I began searching for a new place to live. Suddenly, it became clear that it does not really matter how the apartment looks.
I am here.
I am safe.
Maybe slightly allergic to it, but it is still home.
I can be myself here.
The messiness stopped bothering me.
The imperfections stopped irritating me.
Things that used to trigger tension simply lost their power.
Nothing outside changed.
The apartment is still the same.
But something inside me shifted.
