Maya, 29
If I know that Ollie’s on a date, I find it difficult sitting around, not knowing what to do with myself
I knew I liked Ollie immediately. He was the perfect mix of male and female. I asked him what his hobbies are, and he said dressing up as a woman and masturbating furiously. I got the impression he was just looking for sex, but so was I. If either of us had thought the other was looking for something serious, we’d have run a mile.
That Ollie is more experienced in ethical non-monogamy (ENM) made me feel insecure at first. I felt embarrassed about being new at it. I knew that for Ollie it was a non-negotiable, and worried, what if I decide I can’t do it? There’s a part of me that hasn’t fully worked out if I can do this for ever. What if I wake up one day and want him to be mine? With monogamy, you know what the rules are, but with ENM, there are lots of conversations to be had. We’ve agreed to be open and honest, to use protection, and that if I see him out with someone else, I wouldn’t want them to be intimate in front of me.
I don’t believe monogamy works long-term. With my ex, I had trust issues, and he ended up cheating on me. The hiding is the problem, and ENM removes that. There’s no reason not to trust Ollie. But that doesn’t mean I don’t get jealous, and I question whether that jealousy means I’m not cut out for non-monogamy. If I know that Ollie’s on a date, I find it difficult sitting around not knowing what to do with myself. I visualise him having sex with someone else. But then I tell myself that’s learned behaviour, and I need to unlearn it.
Sex with Ollie doesn’t compare with the sex I’ve had before. In previous relationships, I didn’t enjoy penetrative sex and found it painful. I thought that if I took penetration off the table it would be a big issue. But sex with Ollie is pleasure-driven, and he makes me feel confident enough to take on a more dominant role, which I find terrifying and exciting. The times I’ve been dominant are the sexiest I’ve ever felt. But I’d struggle if it weren’t for Ollie being so submissive, gender-fluid and in tune with his desires.
Ollie, 35
I don’t feel jealous about sexual acts, but I’d struggle if she developed deeper feelings for someone else
When I met Maya, I wasn’t looking for anything serious. I’d been in an abusive relationship that ended a year before, and felt damaged, so although I’d been dating I didn’t want to be attached. Establishing intimacy with someone else was difficult at first, but as we got to know each other, and she showed me unrelenting kindness, I began to feel safe with Maya.
I don’t believe one person can meet all of another’s needs or wants. But while I’d been in open relationships before, Maya hadn’t, and in the early days she’d get jealous. She would struggle when I saw female-presenting people, but was less bothered when it came to men. We’ve got better at navigating jealousy, which starts with just acknowledging that it exists. I don’t feel jealous about sexual acts and am happy for Maya to tell me anything about the people she sees, but I’d struggle if she developed deeper feelings for someone else.
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My first impression of Maya was that she seemed cool, fun and easygoing. I found her round face and long curly red hair very attractive, and I liked the way she dressed, her interesting job and outlook on life. We have similar desires, morals and ideas for the future.
Maya doesn’t enjoy being penetrated, and I don’t get much pleasure from it either, so we’ve had to learn interesting alternatives. She likes it when I barely touch her, which leads to deep moments where Maya’s the one in control. When she takes on a more dominant role, it encourages me to bring cross-dressing into sex; when I’m being feminine, I feel like Maya sees all sides of me, and it gives her more confidence to be dominant.
My understanding of intimacy has grown and developed since being with Maya. She allows me to be vulnerable and fully myself, and supports and accepts me in a way I’ve never experienced before.
