Triggering abandonment is abuse, love is not transactional.
Stonewalling is the sudden, complete emotional withdrawal used by toxic people to punish or manipulate us, and it is crazy-making at its finest.
If you have a history of abandonment issues (think childhood trauma), this tactic is extremely effective, and this article is for you.
Remember, toxic people exploit our deepest fears to control us. Empathic, sensitive people like us are driven to fix problems, heal others, and forgive. Toxic people are driven to have their problems and responsibilities carried by others. It sucks, but that’s why we attract each other.
The key is identifying the trap before you are stuck in it.
Stonewalling is often one of the first boundary tests you’ll feel. I say feel because it is not something super obvious to those of us that are used to people pleasing and chasing affection. Plus, it usually happens after weeks or months of everything being “perfect.” It is easy to put aside and think that they are just going through something tough, or make other excuses for their withdrawal of affection. When we look at it from a neutral viewpoint, we see that as soon as they don’t get what they want or we try to set a boundary, poof, they withdraw that overwhelmingly wonderful affection that they were previously providing so freely (and that we crave).
How My Gut Feeling Manifested
Six months into this fast-moving relationship, things felt off. I ignored my gut, figuring the problem was me (lol, old patterns).
When he found out he had to move, he started dropping hints, pressuring me to let him move in to my house. This was the first feeling I had that things were not right, but I wasn’t fully listening to my gut (yet). I partially forced myself to follow my feeling, and I didn’t offer my home, rather I provided him ideas on available rentals.
This is where the stonewalling began.
He no-showed the next day, which was on a holiday. Hours later I finally heard from him, he was claiming “depression,” sending sad selfies, and ignoring our plans that I had already paid for (But I had driven by his home and his truck was not there, so I was pretty sure something bullshitty was going on. I didn’t say anything).
The day after that, he treated me like I was invisible. His previous overly affectionate demeanor? Shut off completely. Wall. Gone… Silence where nonstop daily “love you” and heart emoji texts were the old norm.
I felt the panic surge. I wanted to chase him, to beg for the attention back. What had I done??
Suddenly something was strange in my gut. I found myself making excuses for his behavior, wanting to overlook what he had done just to win him back, at any cost. Briefly I even considered offering to let him stay in my house until he could find a place. OMFG That was a close call! Luckily, I felt and recognized the toxic behavior…
AHA! He was exploiting my fear of abandonment.
When he finally called, days later, he blamed me for his feelings and told me I needed to “take one for the team” and accept his behavior. My internal alarm screamed HELL NO.
I took a deep breath. Instead of begging, trying to fix things, wanting to make everything back to the way it was…. What I did the opposite of what my trauma brain demanded.
I did not engage with his bullshit.
And when he played his ultimate weapon? He suggested he’d stop by for his “things he’d left at my house.” So I said:
“Don’t come to my house. I’ll drop your things off in your brother’s carport.”
I followed through. If he had cared, he would have broken his wall, reached out, apologized, made things feel better for ME. But this stonewalling MF’er was holding his affection like a prize, looking for a transaction. Sorry pal, not today.
Not today. Not again. Avoid the trap!
Believe your gut when something feels off. Do not chase affection. Do not engage when someone immediately cuts off kindness — it is a trap!
Fuck you toxic people. We are on to you. It’s not us, it’s you!
Meditation: How to Detach and Avoid the Stonewall Trap
When the anxiety kicks in and you feel that overwhelming urge to pursue them, use this quick grounding exercise. The goal is to reclaim your power and counter the panic triggered by abandonment fears. You do not want to fall into their sneaky trap!
Anchor and Breathe
Find a comfortable position. Place one hand on your belly and one on your heart. Breathe deeply, expanding your lower belly. As you exhale, let your shoulders drop. Repeat this as many times as you like, and feel free to think of your own intentions.
Intention: Breathe out and remind yourself that love is not transactional. Whisper: “I do not chase affection.”
Grounding: Notice the physical reality of where you are. Feel your feet on the floor. You are present. You are safe.
Acknowledge the Trigger
That surge of panic , your internal cry to beg, to restore the connection — is the fear of abandonment, and it is loud as fuck. Do not engage!
Validation: Whisper to yourself: “I am not this feeling. I see this emotion. It is an old fear, and it is not my reality right now.”
Clarity: The panic is a sign that the trap is working, but your clarity is a sign that you are stronger. You are not a puppet.
Reclaim Your Power
Focus on the center of your chest. Imagine a warm, steady light glowing there. This light is your sense of self, protection, and a shield.
Repeat these affirmations (or create your own):
“My worth is not determined by their attention.”
“Their silence is a statement about them, not about me.”
“I will not pay a price for love.”
“Real love is not transactional.”
“I choose peace over panic and chaos.”
When you open your eyes, your sole intention is this: Do not engage. Do not chase. Provide love to yourself.
