“Feelings come and go, like clouds in the sky. Conscious breathing is my anchor.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh
On the day my daughter Zoe turned seven weeks old, she burst into tears while I was changing her diaper. But why? What had I done? I remember panicking, confused, scared, and instantly guilty.
Eventually, I noticed her pinky was twisted up in her pony-print pajamas. I freed the little digit like my life depended on it and tried to kiss her pain away. As I gently rocked and soothed my wailing child, big tears poured down my own cheeks.
That’s when my wife entered the room. I felt caught and spiraled deep into shame. Emotional thoughts kicked into overdrive: Oh my God, I hurt Zoe. I’m a terrible mother and I traumatized my daughter and my wife knows it. How could either of them ever trust me again?
In that vulnerable moment, I was deep in my Emotion Mind and far from Wise Mind, which is what I needed to access to navigate this situation effectively. These “mind states” are concepts from Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), which supports people in regulating their emotions and improving their relationships.
DBT teaches us that, at any given moment, our thoughts, feelings, and actions are influenced by three different potential states of mind: Emotional, Reasonable, and Wise.
To illustrate these mind states, I will provide examples of responses to the following situation:
You’ve been trying to hang out with one of your best friends for over two weeks. She hasn’t responded to your text or DMs. When she finally gets back to you, she writes, “Hey. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately. Can we check back in next month?”
In Emotion Mind, you’re ruled by feelings. Your emotions are in charge, dictating how you act and react. Things feel intense, critical, and urgent in this mind state. As a result, you might make impulsive choices, say things you don’t actually mean, or feel consumed by intense emotions.
Example: You take it personally, immediately feeling hurt and rejected. Your inner voice blurts out, “She doesn’t care about me” and “You are such a loser.” Your anger may tell you to respond with a sassy remark, or your sadness may encourage you to hide under the covers as you think, “I’m never good enough for anyone.”
In Reasonable Mind, logic and facts steer the ship. You calmly analyze the evidence and try to solve a given problem on an intellectual level. Sounds great, right? But there’s something missing. Reasonable Mind is inherently colder, more detached. In this mind state, feelings get denied and emotional nuance gets missed.
Example: After receiving the text, you may think, “She doesn’t want to hang out right now. I’ll text her next month.” You might respond with, “You need space. I’ll send you a text message in one month.”
While this thought process is logical, it may feel almost robotic because it does not take into consideration the hurt you are likely processing at that moment. Feeling rejected, worried, or experiencing a pang of loneliness or anger—those are perfectly valid emotional responses that are typically inaccessible when in Reasonable Mind.
Wise Mind is where the magic happens. Wise Mind synergizes the best of Emotion Mind and Reasonable Mind. It’s the ability to balance emotional intuition with rational thought. Wise Mind helps you pause, check in with yourself, and make decisions that align with your feelings and the facts of the situation.
Example: You accept the sting of your friend’s text (“I am really sad that she wants space”) and acknowledge the circumstances outside your control (“Maybe she’s dealing with something difficult that she is not ready to talk to me about”). You pause for long enough to determine the best next steps. You may decide to respond to your friend’s text by saying, “I’m sorry you’re feeling overwhelmed. Please let me know if there is anything I can do to support you. I will check back in with you next month.”
Why Is Wise Mind Important for Highly Sensitive People?
Have you ever reacted to a situation in a way that felt justified at the moment, only to look back later, embarrassed, and think, “Whoa, maybe I read too much into that”? How about fixating on a small mistake you made until you’re completely overwhelmed and irritable, only to realize later that nobody else even noticed the error?
Conversely, have you responded to difficult circumstances by suppressing your emotions? For example, you find yourself beginning to worry about a mistake you’ve made, so you quickly distract yourself from the thoughts with food, drugs, exercise, work, video games, and/or social media. Or maybe you’ve developed such a strong ability to detach from your emotions that you find yourself disconnected from yourself and others?
As an HSP therapist (and a highly sensitive person myself), I can assure you that these experiences are quite common for sensitive people.
Wise Mind is one of the foundational skills of DBT, which is an evidence-based treatment that can help HSPs navigate the moments when pure emotions or overly logical thinking would otherwise take over. When we access Wise Mind, we tap into an intuitive part of ourselves underneath the emotional noise and analytical mind chatter, which allows us to set boundaries and engage in valued action.
How to Access Wise Mind
In order to become automatically skillful in accessing Wise Mind, you need to practice. First, start trying to tap into this mind state when you are feeling regulated. In a context with very wild activation, ask yourself, What would my Wise Mind say?
With practice, you will develop a better sense of what it feels like to be in Emotion Mind, Reasonable Mind, and Wise Mind. This preparation will set you up for success. You will be better able to access Wise Mind during heightened emotional experiences.
1. Pause and notice.
When emotions feel intense, the first step is to pause and check in with yourself.
- Ask: What am I feeling right now? Label the emotions (e.g., sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety).
- Notice the accompanying physical sensations (e.g., tightness in your chest, racing thoughts, or a lump in your throat).
- Identify any urges you are feeling (e.g., to lash out, shut down, or avoid the situation).
2. Name the facts.
Next, separate the facts of the situation from the story your emotions might be telling you. This helps ground you in reality while still honoring your feelings.
- Facts: Your friend canceled dinner plans. You’ve been friends with her for eight years. She hasn’t canceled on you in the past.
- Feelings: Angry. Disappointed. Sad. Lonely.
- Wise Mind Integration: I’m disappointed because I was looking forward to seeing her, but I don’t know what she’s dealing with on her end. I’m going to send a check-in text to make sure everything’s okay.
3. Breathe.
The simplest way to access Wise Mind is through your breath. When you are in Emotion Mind, your body tenses, and your thoughts race. When you are in Rational Mind, your emotions get relegated to the dustbin. Deep, intentional breathing will help bring you to the present moment so that you can observe your thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations.
Try this: Inhale for four counts, hold for four counts, exhale for six counts. Repeat three to five times.
As you breathe, ask yourself:
- What mind state am I in?
- What does my Wise Mind know to be true in this moment?
- What matters most to me in this situation?
How I Found My Wise Mind
Let’s revisit the story I shared at the beginning of this article about my daughter. I had only bent her pinky a bit while putting on her pajamas, but she was crying, and suddenly so was I, awash in pure panic. My Emotion Mind had completely taken over: I hurt Zoe! This will damage our bond! I’m the worst mother alive!
Only when my wife walked in did I recognize how blindly I’d been arrested by my Emotion Mind. Yes, even as an HSP therapist, my emotions can get the best of me. I paused, took some calming breaths, and tried to articulate the facts:
- Fact: Zoe cried for about a minute.
- Fact: She was not injured in any way and did not require additional care.
- Fact: I have been a mom for less than three months—this is a new experience for me.
- Fact: I love my daughter with my whole heart.
Those facts provided the rational perspective I had lacked when in the whirlwind of Emotion Mind; however, naming those facts helped to tip the scales back towards equilibrium.
I accessed the comforting clarity of Wise Mind, and in that state was able to remember self-compassion: I am a human. Mistakes happen. Zoe is okay, and I’m learning every day. I’m doing the best I can. From this position, I could soothe Zoe and myself and move forward, free from the shame spiral.
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Wise Mind allows sensitive people to navigate their mental experiences with clarity and self-understanding. With practice, anyone can access Wise Mind, which encourages the healthy coexistence of both their emotional depths and rational thoughts.
