If you hold your phone more than your partner at night, you might be the reason they are becoming a stranger.
How couples choose to unwind before bedtime is an overlooked relationship killer, therapists say. And the biggest culprit might just be the TVs and phones we often use to put our “responsibilities on pause,” said Negin Motlagharani, an individual, couples and sex therapist.
After an exhausting day of work and parenting duties, it can feel nice to turn off our brains and look at screens. But if your partner is trying to make conversation with you and “you’re not responding because you’re so consumed in the world of technology, then you’re missing cues for connection and emotional-deepening conversations that could lead to building and cementing trust,” Motlagharani warned.
While you are checking Facebook and absently replying “uh-huh” to your partner, they might be quietly seething with frustration and resentment.
Anita Chlipala, a marriage and family therapist, also said a partner’s use of electronics is a top complaint she hears from her clients.
This nightly TikTok habit can be a stress release, but it’s also a missed daily opportunity to remind your partner that they matter to you. “You can still use your phone to unwind, like if you play a game or mindlessly scroll, but the time right before lights-out can be to intentionally connect with each other,” Chlipala advised.
It is possible to build a better nightly ritual that can help you relax and still feel connected to the person you love. But you and your partner have to be prepared to change for it to work. Here’s how.
Tips For Building A Better Wind-Down Ritual With Your Partner
The free time we have after finishing work, making dinner, and completing child care responsibilities can be limited, but it’s a valuable time to connect with your partner. Here’s how to make the most of it.
Set limits on your scroll time.
If you need to watch Instagram stories to escape the pressures of reality, do it in smaller doses. Motlagharani recommends setting up a specific time, such as from 10 p.m. to 10:20 to connect, so that from 10:20 to 10:30 you can be on your phone without guilt. Or you can go one step further and leave your phone in a separate room from where you sleep, as some experts recommend, if you want to fully break your habit of scrolling before bedtime.
Watch shows you can connect on.
There’s a difference between zoning out while watching a TV show and making it a part of your quality time with your partner. Motlagharani said to try holding hands and cuddling with your partner to build a physical connection while watching your favorite show on your couch.
Or make it a point of conversation, she recommended. Debate who is going to win “Survivor” or which “Saturday Night Live” joke was actually funny. That can be the difference between passively watching something together and building much-needed connection.
Be OK with a partner needing a separate bedtime ritual.
You can still have a great relationship even when your partner wants to be awake while you need to be asleep. But too often, Chlipala said, couples fight about a partner not wanting the same sleep schedule as they do.
“I commonly hear from people that they stay up too late because it’s their only time in the day to have to themselves. It’s a little bit of alone time,” Chlipala said. “If this is the case for your partner, you can strengthen your connection by honoring their need instead of just wanting to fulfill your own.“
If you are the night-owl partner, find time to do “pillow talk” in bed with your partner before they fall asleep, Motlagharani suggested.
Above all, get good sleep.
When in doubt about what to do, put down your phone and prioritize a good night’s sleep. “One of the most underrated tools for having a healthy relationship is getting good sleep,” Chlipala said.
There’s research that shows sleeping less than six hours a day can increase anxiety, moodiness and irritation the next day. “Without good sleep, you might be more irritable and snap at your partner and overall struggle with emotional management,” Chlipala said. “And if this is chronic, it can slowly deteriorate a relationship — more like a death by a thousand cuts than something dramatic that happens like infidelity.”
And sleeplessness will turn disagreements into heated arguments. “When we are tired, our defenses may also go up, so we may not be hearing what our partner has to say, or be open to perspective-taking,” Motlagharani said.
To get good sleep, you need to relax, so don’t use this time to rehash arguments. Both therapists said it is better to go to bed angry and delegate serious conversations for a later date.
Instead, prioritize a nightly activity that helps you end the day on a positive note with your partner. “It can be anything like reading or discussing a book, cuddling and sharing about the day, [or] talking about what they look forward to the next day,” Chlipala said. These efforts can take just a few minutes, but for the health of a relationship, they can go a long way.
