I was so naive to think that once i find someone who seems like a perfect match for me, then there are no reasons for us to fell apart. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the way life works, it’s never a mere black and white.
As i grew older, i realized that not every goodbye happened because we’re out of love. Some just happened in an unexpected way as both parties trying to respect each other decision. Not because they won’t fight for it (they wanted to, they did), but they know that love solely isn’t enough to make someone stay, there are efforts, mutual beliefs, dreams to chase, and God’s rules to obey. Yet the healing phase hits different; more intense, more quiet, more painful, but more relieving at the same time. Funny, isn’t it?
It’s hard to get yourself together to conquer the world when you used to have someone to talked about your daily life, yap some random things that popped out of your mind, picturing what kind of future you both would have in 5–10 years, asking the most futile questions yet they were patiently answering in the most logical way. Then one day you wake up and perceiving that they’re not there anymore. You will picturing yourself crying in silence with every slightest memory of them dancing within your wound.
The urge to call them will always immense and you had a hard time resisting it. One day you win, but another day you will collapse, looking for any excuse to call them. Once they picked up, you will find yourself happy for a second, acknowledging that they aren’t doing any better, which only leads to see yourself shrinking even deeper the next second they say another good bye.
What makes the pain lingered profoundly is the way you notice all the efforts you did to finally stop reaching them is not because you’ve stopped loving them, but you know it will hurt them more to shamelessly going back and forth when you know exactly that they have respected your decision, but it’s just yourself which are too afraid to admit that you can neither stop missing them nor utterly letting them go.
It hurts, it did.
It’s a whole unspoken pain you can’t even describe well to your mom or closest friends, but so does fear of being the reason of someone’s calamity in their (hereafter) journey. You know that they have all the capacities to be their best version, but for now, perhaps it’s not by walking hand in hand with you, but by letting them break free to seek for God’s mercy, on their own. Even it means that you have to left all your memories behind yet still carrying all the sorrow and misery that will eventually take it’s toll. But the good news is, time does heal, you know you will get used to that.
You don’t have any idea on what kind of life the universe will bring you both into, maybe in some random day they will intertwined with us in another serendipity or being separated even further away? We never know. But one thing for sure, we will never regret it, for being sincere and loud on loving someone and letting them go for their own good.
At the end, the least thing we can do is only accepting in the best possible way what God has prepared and praying for them genuinely;
I hope we both win in life, in every battles we’re in.
Everything just right where it means to be, it will pass, so does the despair feeling.
