One of the first lessons of Love First, perhaps the first lesson, is that loss occurs in every area of life, it happens far more often than we may realize, and we must honor and grieve it accordingly in order to be well and whole.
When was the last time you grieved the loss of a job? The loss of a dream? The loss of a felt sense of safety, or of hope for a better future? Perhaps you never even did.
But when’s the last time you were angry, or depressed?
Psychologists identify grief as having five stages: anger, denial, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. We treat these stages as something you experience when grieving loss, yet we do not treat them as expressions of loss, even when they are.
The stages are not sequential, nor do you need to move through all of them. That said, only Acceptance is the exit stage, where you finally start healing from your grief and your loss, and learn to live above it.
In the Game of Love, we use grief as a lens to understand ourselves. When you notice yourself being angry, ask yourself: “What am I grieving? What did I lose?”
Anger
Are you angry that the openly corrupt politicians in power aren’t being held accountable for their crimes? You may have lost your faith in a just government, your belief that justice will be served, or your hope that the future will be managed better. Your anger isn’t wrong, and it definitely is justified, but it is also telling you something.
You need to grieve that loss.
Denial
Are you in denial that your leader has committed heinous crimes against children? Are you in denial that your tax dollars are being used to commit war crimes and genocide? You may have lost firm grip on a self-image where you are not complicit, where you are a Good Person™ who does no harm. But no amount of denying it is ever going to restore that self-image.
You need to grieve that loss.
Bargaining
Are you trying to convince yourself that if we just vote the right people into office, we’ll be able to fix all of the problems? Are you clamoring that if we can just get “the wrong people” out of the country, things will get better? You may have lost your trust in institutions, or in the abundance that this world has to offer being enough for all of us to share.
You need to grieve that loss.
Depression
Are you depressed about the climate crisis, about how you try to do your part but it feels so overwhelmingly futile in the face of rampant pollution by oil & gas companies, and environmental destruction by warmongering nations? You may have lost a felt sense of a hopeful future.
You need to grieve that loss.
Acceptance
Coming to acceptance around such uncomfortable truths isn’t a betrayal of your values; it’s living up to their standards. It’s getting back in alignment with your values, not professing them as if words from your mouth carry more weight than the actions of your being.
Understanding yourself through the lens of grief isn’t about invalidating your anger, denial, bargaining, or depression — it’s about recognizing it for what it is supposed to offer you.
Acceptance is the exit — from your pain, your frustration, your anguish.
You are not wrong for feeling what you’re feeling. Your feelings are valid, justified, even right. But right-or-wrong is not what feelings are for. Our emotions are our guides; they show us what we need to see. They can teach us where we may be grieving.
In the Game of Love, we move beyond right and wrong. We focus on what helps us understand ourselves better, especially in moments of intense feelings. The five stages of grief are not a verdict on your experience — they are a map to guide you back to yourself.
