As a young guy, wellness coach Jackson Hightower was always in a hurry ― even when it came to sex.
Now 42, he’s learned that slowing down and really savoring the experience of getting to know your partner is more than worth it.
“Sex has gotten significantly better with age,” Hightower told HuffPost. “It lasts longer, there’s more time for connection, and more time to give her orgasms and pleasure.”
With 20 years of experience, you learn a lot about how to care for a woman, and that plays a major role in ensuring that you both get off.
“Young men rush to release. Older, more experienced men know how to set the stage for safety and real connection so she can unfurl,” he said.
Because knowledge is power, we recently asked men over 30 like Hightower to share some of their best sex tips gained from experience. Read what they had to say below.
Stop thinking your penis is the star of the show.
“As a young man, I wish someone had told me that good sex wasn’t all about me and my penis. Just like most men, younger me assumed that sex was just intercourse, and to have good intercourse, your penis had to ‘perform.’ Not only did that put a lot of pressure on me to feel solely responsible for the entire experience, it also led to me singlehandedly dictating the pace of things in bed: the moment I’d start getting hard, I’d rush us on toward intercourse. And the moment I finished, we were done. As a result, I never spent very much time on foreplay (especially foreplay focusing on my partner) for fear of losing an erection.
Once I realized that it wasn’t all about me ― that real sex included any activity that felt good and great sex was something I co-created with my partner ― it relieved so much pressure. It opened the door to putting activities back on the menu (like oral) that extend the experience and are far more pleasurable for most women. Now, I feel free to spend as much time as my partner wants on foreplay, and if I get and lose an erection while I focus on her, all I need to do is ask for her to use her hands or mouth on me to get me back in the game. Or, if I find myself getting a bit too excited mid-intercourse, I can slow things down by taking a break and focusing on her. Because ultimately, I find I always have a better time when she’s having a better time.” ― Xander Marin, a 40-year-old content creator
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Work on your dirty talk.
“Oftentimes, the biggest obstacle to a woman achieving an orgasm during sex is her own conscious ‘thinking’ part of her brain, the part of her mind that races with anxiety and insecurity. So, to prevent that, what you can do as a man is help guide the focus of her mind to the present moment you and her are sharing. Things like describing the sensations she’s already feeling to amplify them more, praising her ― telling her how sexy she looks and feels right now ― leading her through the experience by guiding her with commands like ‘bend over,’ ‘come here,’ ‘grab it,’ ‘spread them.’ These comments pull her focus into the present and allow her to enjoy sex rather than be distracted by a million anxious thoughts instead.” ― Stirling Cooper, a 39-year-old sex coach
Scale back your porn watching.
“I’d say, stop watching porn. It’s killing your ability to truly connect with a partner during the experience. It can also activate erectile dysfunction, performance anxiety and/or premature ejaculation. It teaches all the wrong moves and makes sex performative, which women can sense and dislike.” ―Hightower
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Focus on getting the fundamentals right before you move on to kink.
“How can you really satisfy a woman? Are you supposed to learn a bunch of cool tricks? I’ve done a lot of things that most people never tried: BDSM, tantric sex, threesomes, orgasm stacking. But as with all skills and disciplines, the most important thing is to master the fundamentals: anticipation and foreplay. Treat the entire process of seduction as foreplay, right from the beginning when you first lock eyes. Tease her. Elicit dopamine responses. Take her on an emotional roller coaster while providing the safety guardrails at the same time. Make her want more. Do this with both your words and your actions. You need to understand how important the psychological journey is for her physical pleasure. Embrace the dichotomy of women by applying dichotomous techniques in both foreplay and sex. Give them hard and soft, rough and sweet, dominator and worshipper. Don’t just play one note; master the whole scale. Do this with the fundamentals until you can craft your own art with it.” ― Michael Chief, a 30-something dating coach and author of “Never Lonely: The Uncensored Guide on How to Attract and Be Loved by Women”
Talk about what you both want to do in bed.
“Get to know her or them by being curious. Ask them questions about what their preferences are: how they like best to be touched, pressure, speed, lubricant and where they like to be touched. Most importantly, is to touch for your own pleasure. Enjoy what you are doing. Communicate what you are feeling. Ask questions that they can answer yes or no to, like would you like it lower, would you like it more to the left, would you like circles, would you like it lighter? Then respond in increments and ask again until you get it just right.” ― Steve Bodansky, a 71-year-old sex educator and author of “Making Love Better Than Ever: Reaching New Heights of Passion and Pleasure After 40”
Make it a goal to get her to orgasm, more than once, even.
“In my early years of having sex, I focused most on my pleasure, specifically on doing what it took for me to come. Often it was short, and most times underwhelming for my partner. Now, when I make love, my favorite thing is turning it into a challenge to see how many times I can get her to orgasm, and how long those climaxes can last. Sex has turned into ‘worship sessions’ where I focus on bringing pleasure to as many parts of her body as possible. Most guys don’t realize her entire body is covered in erogenous zones just waiting to be explored with touch, kisses and your tongue. We have so many more tools at our disposal than just our cock. Sometimes I will spend over an hour in foreplay before I even enter her. The secret is to build her pleasure so much until she is begging for me to fuck her, and fuck her hard.” ― Gerald Rogers, a 51-year-old author and speaker
Don’t forget aftercare.
“Foreplay starts way before you even touch her body, but sex isn’t over after you’ve orgasmed. Dialed-in aftercare creates a feeling of connection post-sex, which women crave as their hormones are in bonding mode post-orgasm.” ― Hightower
