Number 3 is the Biggest Clue, and It May Surprise You…
For most my life, I had a LONG LIST of accomplishments to be proud of, but I was baffled by the fact that I couldn’t love myself.
Part of the criteria of Borderline Personality Disorder — the self-harming disorder developed in scapegoat children in toxic families — is an unstable self image.
This is not the same as narcissists — who lack a self entirely — so their selfhood changes like a chameleon depending on the supply source.
I spoke to my therapist about this problem often: when people expressed love for me, I felt I could love myself TEMPORARILY.
But it was like my heart was a water balloon with a leak in it.
I couldn’t hold that feeling.
I didn’t realize for a long time that I was trauma bonding: I thought my friends and lovers were worthy of the pedastals I propped them on. Every betrayal was as blindsiding as the first betrayals from my parents.
