10 of the Most Common Ones

While it’s easy to be lighthearted about the idea of a relationship deal-breaker—joking that you’d never choose a partner who didn’t like Star Wars or one who makes a terrible cup of coffee—these differences in taste typically aren’t enough to call it quits with someone you care about. Instead, relationship deal-breakers typically stem from mismatched core values, innate personality differences, and nonnegotiable needs.

“The social environments of our society, and cultures—both within our communities and families—influence what we deem acceptable and desirable in a partnership, as well as what we see as unacceptable or unworkable,” says Christie Kim, a psychotherapist. “If one’s significant other doesn’t get along with the partner’s family, one person might view this as a deal-breaker, while another might be able to tolerate or think nothing of the discord. Having different political views may be a nonstarter for a partner, but another couple might appreciate how their differences bring lively debate to their relationship.”

Some major conflicts can ultimately lead to the end of a partnership, while others can provide you with an opportunity to work through your differences. The key is understanding your own deal-breakers in a relationship: The behaviors, beliefs, and values you won’t compromise on. “There are differences between any two people,” says Kim. “The strength of a couple lies more in their attitude towards appreciating their differences and how they embark on navigating them, rather than how similar they are in the first place.”

Below, the experts explain 10 most common deal-breakers in a relationship, as well as how to figure out your own. Read on for more.

What Is a Deal-Breaker in a Relationship?

“A deal-breaker in a romantic relationship is a behavior, belief, or value that fundamentally conflicts with your own,” says Chamin Ajjan, the clinical director and founder of Chamin Ajjan Psychotherapy. “It’s typically a nonnegotiable issue that makes continuing or pursuing the relationship feel impossible, especially if the other person is unwilling or unable to change that aspect of themselves. These aren’t just preferences—they’re foundational issues that shape whether you can build a future together in a healthy, respectful way.”

While the specifics of what constitutes a deal-breaker are different for every person in a relationship, the end result is the same: This behavior, disagreement, or conflict—whether relatively major or minor—prevents you and your partner from continuing your relationship in a happy and healthy way. “A deal-breaker can be understood as a notion—that is, a sense, belief, understanding, or difference—that threatens the future of a romantic relationship, or makes it impossible to continue in the current state,” says Kim. “What one views as a deal-breaker may be a pattern of behavior, a quality in one’s character, or an unworkable incompatibility, such as vastly different values or aspirations for a shared life with another.”

The term “deal-breaker” is often used interchangeably with more casual slang, like “getting the ick” or noticing “beige flags,” says Kim, but true, relationship-ending deal-breakers are typically anchored in major differences.

10 Common Deal-Breakers in Relationships

While your deal-breakers will typically be unique to you, there are a few common ones the experts often see in relationship dynamics. Below, they explain some key ones to be aware of. 

Different Core Values

For many partners, different core values can complement each other and strengthen the relationship. However, in some cases, such a gap can feel impossible to get through. “It may be a difference of political views, religious affiliations, or valuing one’s filial role in regard to the family,” Kim says. “This requires each partner to practice a reflective, honest relationship with oneself and bring such insights to their relationship.” Ajjan echoes that fundamental religious or spiritual differences are a common deal-breaker in a relationship. “If your core belief systems don’t align, especially around how you want to live, raise children, or engage with your community, it can create lasting conflict,” she says.

Having Children—or Not

One of the biggest roadblocks for some couples is finding common ground about whether or not to have children. “You can compromise on the color of the couch, but not on whether or not to become a parent,” says Ajjan. “Differing desires around children often lead to heartbreak if not aligned.” Raising children will influence every part of your future lifestyle, Kim adds, from where you’ll live and how much you’ll work to what type of vacation you’ll take and what car you’ll drive.

Unhealthy Communication 

While effective communication can vary according to a couple’s specific personalities, it’s important that you and your partner find what works for you. “A deal-breaking communication style may include an unwillingness to have difficult discussions or continuing a toxic dynamic with no reflection on how one can strive to make it healthier, [such as], avoiding any difficult topics, repeatedly using abusive or demeaning tone or language, or refusing to engage in emotional repair,” says Kim.

Racism, Homophobia, or Transphobia

Prejudice against others based on their race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, or gender identity is often a deal-breaker, says Ajjan. “Prejudice is not a personality quirk; it’s a reflection of values,” she says. “These beliefs create emotional harm and misalignment that makes true connection and safety impossible, and make some feel they are aligning with opposed beliefs.”

Financial Betrayal

The totals on your partner’s bank statement shouldn’t be a deciding factor in whether or not you stay together—unless they indicate financial instability, dishonesty, or secret debt. “When one partner is financially irresponsible or secretive, it can erode trust and create chronic stress that undermines the relationship’s foundation,” says Ajjan. “One partner may not be willing to take on another’s debt or risk a life of financial issues.”

Untreated Mental Health or Substance-Use Disorders

Ending a relationship because of your partner’s untreated mental health or substance-use disorders isn’t rooted in judgement or disdain; rather, serious issues like these can stop your relationship from progressing. “We all struggle at times, but when mental health challenges go unaddressed, they can destabilize relationships and prevent emotional intimacy; this is a risk more and more people are unwilling to take,” says Ajjan. “Substance use can impact trust, safety, finances, and emotional availability. If a partner isn’t actively pursuing recovery, the relationship often can’t grow.”

Lack of Accountability 

A refusal for one (or both) partners to practice self-accountability is also a common relationship deal-breaker. “For a relationship to be well, both partners must practice taking accountability for their own selves, which includes their behaviors, emotional histories, and ability to show up well for themselves and for the relationship,” says Kim. “If partners find themselves in an unhelpful loop, waiting for the other to change or only finding faults in the other without reflecting upon how they impact their partner, it will be very difficult to build a healthy partnership that can withstand life’s challenges.” 

Ajjan also sees an increase in the number of people who end a relationship because their partner refuses to take ownership of their behavior—and adjust it. “If one partner is committed to personal growth and the other resists any kind of emotional work, the imbalance can cause friction,” she says.

Sexual Incompatibility

It’s no secret: A relationship that looks good on paper but doesn’t work in the bedroom is unlikely to result in long-term happiness. “Desire discrepancies, differing libidos, or unmet needs around intimacy can be hard to ignore, especially if the topic is off-limits or one partner feels chronically unsatisfied,” says Ajjan. Cheating or wanting a nonmonogamous relationship can also be deal-breakers. “Trust takes time to build and moments to break,” Ajjan says. “Repeated boundary-crossing around fidelity, especially when it’s dismissed or minimized, can make it impossible to rebuild.”

Abusive Behavior

Any type of controlling or emotional abuse is also a common deal-breaker in relationships. “This includes gaslighting, isolating a partner, being talked down to or manipulating them to maintain power,” Ajjan says. “These dynamics often escalate and are rarely resolved without intervention.”

Loss of Trust 

Infidelity, emotional affairs, financial dishonesty, or any other type of betrayal that torpedoes the trust within a partnership often makes it difficult for a relationship to survive. “While trust is possible to repair and rebuild over time, often it can require an immense amount of work to do so,” says Kim. “It therefore becomes important to understand whether other threads of connection in the relationship are strong enough to sustain the partners through the work of repair.” Ajjan also stresses the importance of building a culture of honesty within a dynamic. “Consistent lying, secret-keeping, or avoidance can fracture emotional safety, and without trust, there’s no foundation to build on,” she says. “Honesty is a value many will not compromise on.”

Do Relationship Deal-Breakers Matter?

True relationship deal-breakers aren’t a matter of different preferences—he’d rather read, you like watching television; she likes hiking, you like yoga. “Deal-breakers are often rooted in deep values, identity, or unmet emotional and relational needs,” says Ajjan. “They’re not just differences—they’re issues that, if left unaddressed or unchanged, can lead to resentment, disconnection, and a loss of respect. In many cases, compromising on a deal-breaker can feel like betraying yourself.”

However, know that some deal-breakers can be worked out—or worked through—with time and effort. “Differences that may initially surface as deal-breakers, including unhealthy communication patterns, can be fixable if both partners are willing to reflect upon their own contributions to the patterns and take up an active role in building a healthier dynamic,” says Kim.

Healthy, positive communication can help couples work through religious or spiritual differences, sexual incompatibility, and cultural differences, says Ajjan. “With curiosity and mutual learning, couples can build a shared understanding that strengthens both connection and identity,” she says. “In the end, the difference between a deal-breaker and a growth opportunity often comes down to two things: willingness and capacity. If both partners are open to understanding each other and doing the work, even the most challenging dynamics can become part of a stronger, more connected relationship.”

How to Recognize Your Own Deal-Breakers in a Relationship 

Not all deal-breakers are universal: You might delay your dream of living abroad for your partner’s wish to continue their career at home, or agree on ways that each of you can celebrate your own religious beliefs, while respecting the other’s. “What one person sees as a red flag, another might view as a workable difference or even a growth opportunity,” says Ajjan. “Deal-breakers vary significantly from person to person based on values, lived experiences, upbringing, cultural background, and personal boundaries. In the end, deal-breakers are less about whether something is right or wrong, and more about if it works for you.” To identify your own deal-breakers, the experts recommend using the following techniques. 

Clarify Your Goals

Before you can determine whether you and your partner share a similar vision for the future, you need to be clear on your own goals. “Take time to think about what’s truly important to you, not just in dating, but in building a life and possibly a family with someone,” Ajjan says. “Ask yourself: What kind of partnership do I want?” This evaluation should consider the way you want your relationship to look and feel; how you see your career evolving; and what you picture in terms of your family connections, home city, and leisure activities. “If one knows they want to live a certain lifestyle, such as traveling to new countries every few months or raising children near one’s parents, it would likely be a deal-breaker if the other person either does not aspire to a similar lifestyle or cannot imagine finding some common ground,” says Kim.

Define Your Values

You and your partner don’t have to have identical values, but the ways you spend your time—whether focused on family, community, health, travel, or any other core value—should align. “Your values are your inner compass,” says Ajjan. “Think about what guides how you live your life—how you show up every day, what you prioritize, and what brings you peace. If a relationship consistently challenges or contradicts those values, it may not be sustainable. 

Look Back on Your Relationship Patterns

Identifying previous patterns in all of the relationships in your life (not just your romantic ones!) can help you pin down behaviors you’re not willing to tolerate. “See what you notice about yourself in various relational settings, with family, friends, and colleagues, as well as on first, second and third dates,” says Kim. “Not everything that gives you an ‘ick’ may actually be a dealbreaker—rather, they may help you get curious about yourself, your expectations, and [your] beliefs about relationships.”

Listen to Your Gut—and Heart

Physical signs of a relationship deal-breaker stem from your intuition, says Kim.. “Many of us notice signals from our gut instincts, perhaps through a quiet voice in your head or anxiety in the stomach,” she says. “One may struggle to sleep, lose touch with their own intuition, or move into a chronic state of stress because of a lack of safety or deep disconnect in their relationship.”

Don’t brush off the physiological symptoms that could indicate an unhealthy partnership. “Build a relationship with these signals, so you can better discern when your gut may be signaling a workable fear versus an alarm to get out,” says Kim. “In regards to the heart, there may be a moment or a slow progression in which one loses the ability to feel care, love or a healthy connection with a partner. For example, one might see how their partner is rude to their family or friends or service workers and can no longer imagine sharing their heart with that person.”