I started thinking of kindness today, a soft heart, a sense of wonder. Things that aren’t by any mark accomplishments in the society, but to me they felt like reasons to celebrate.
Celebrate existence.
I know it’s been too many times I’ve written about my surgery, the same moment last year. My birthday in emergency instead of hogging all the delicious ordered food.
I refer to it because my reference point / compass shifted. Everyone thinks of the time their previous birthday and turning a year older began.
And when I remember that, it’s a mix of sadness, gratitude and relief that I’m still alive. That I am ok. That even though life still tested me after that, nothing comes / came close to doctors saying it’s a miracle I’m all right.
And then I also cry. I cry because I don’t Know why I had to go through what I did. The steps along the way, the courage to come back, the constant narrative of I’m not going to give up even when like knocked me down a few times after.
I’m alive.
It’s probably the most foundational thing to be grateful for but it’s true. Of all the meetings and quarterly plans and chores and worries and changes that never seem to announce themselves, the most important thing is to be able to live.
Because everything else evaporates into nothingness if you don’t live to see another day.
I’ll never stop being grateful for that.
I’m also grateful for my kind self today. I don’t think I appreciate myself, so a week to go is a good time for it.
I’m glad I stayed kind, never gave up, believe in smiles and silly moments and pure love, notice the small things with wide eyes and peace in my heart.
I hope my reference point for next year’s birthday shifts in the best way. That when I look back, I see a normal peaceful fulfilled self on which I started my 38th year of life 🙏🏻✨
