I Did Not Want Him Back, But I Wanted The Chaos
I want to clear up a misconception I have held; that I wanted him back. The truth is, in missing him, I was really missing the feelings that that relationship gave me. When you have spent a long time in a tumultuous relationship with someone, regardless of whether it’s a positive or negative relationship, you become attached to those feelings.
I was used to experiencing the following feelings because of the way our relationship was such as:
-unhealthy amounts of stress
-extreme ups and downs emotionally
-uncertainty/randomness in our relationship
-a chaotic environment, which was exciting
I had become accustomed to the chaos created by my relationship. So when we broke up, I not only lost the person, but also lost the pattern of chaos that my body had become used to.
The Effect of Detachment:
At first, I found it difficult to detach from my ex-boyfriend and wanted to go back and reach out and reconcile. But after some time had passed, I sought that same feeling again, and dated 3 different men all at once, with little regard for their feelings, and going from one person to the next very quickly, and moved too quickly into physical relations with them simply to get back to that feeling. The exhilaration that comes from a moment of craving, distraction, a craving for something different than what has already happened.
But eventually that all ended.
I began to realize how out of control I had gotten. At this point it was no longer about them, at this point it was not even about my ex anymore.
It was about my brain, and the way I constantly allowed my thoughts and actions to be governed by my past, by my habitual behaviour.
All of the impulsive, reckless decisions or actions that I had taken or committed were all due to this source, this chaotic, messed up brain, that was incapable of sitting quietly for any period of time.
The Emotional Time Bomb of Re-Breaking the Cycle of Pain and Anxiety
And yet…There would still be times where I would feel numb, desensitized, to the world around me.
During these times, I would develop an intense need to seek out and inflict suffering upon myself, through whatever means available to me.
For example, I would go on Instagram to stalk my ex; I would creep on my ex’s social media profiles so I could see his new girlfriend and how “happy” he was.
Every time I did this to myself, I would emotionally shatter; I would emotionally suffer for no other reason than because I chose to seek out that was going to cause me pain.
I didn’t seek out pain because I wanted to suffer, but because my brain was searching for something that would elicit a strong emotional response, regardless of whether that response was joy or anguish.
Clarifying a Key Concept
Your ex is not an important part of your life.
To support this argument, we need to understand that all important parts of our lives receive stimulation from somewhere. The quickest and easiest way our brains will provide stimulation is via the memory of an ex that creates negative feelings.
Questions to Ask Yourself
If you have to check your ex to motivate yourself, ask yourself the following:
1. Why do I need to check my ex for motivation?
2. Why am I depending upon my past ex to activate my present motivation?
This does not provide motivation but rather depends upon my past ex for motivation.
Long-Term Implications
Let’s stop tricking ourselves about how romantic it is to check or stalk our ex. It does not help us heal!
It does:
Keep me emotionally connected to my past; it does not allow me to heal from my past.
Keep me from progressing emotionally.
Help reinforce that they are still in control of my emotions.
Each time you check your ex, you’re telling your brain that your ex still has value.
The Ultimate Truth
It all boils down to your mind!
Understanding your mind, observing your mind, and being able to redirect your mind will allow you to take your power back from your ex. This situation was never about them!
It is about: Patterns, Conditioning and Emotional Habits ~
Where You Go From Here
Your goal is NOT to remove all intensity from your life.
Your goal is to STOP associating that intensity with someone who caused you pain.You need greater self-awareness and clearer outlets for expression
Final Thoughts
You believe you are missing them.
But in reality you are missing these things:
1. Adrenaline
2. Unpredictability
3. An Emotional Rollercoaster
As soon as you understand that, the entire world shifts for you
At that moment you suddenly understand…
You don’t need to have them in your life to feel alive. You merely need to stop allowing your past to dictate the present.
