The prosecution: Chantelle
Friends and family have noticed that we don’t hold hands and it’s become a running joke
My boyfriend, Hugo, and I have been together for five years and he’s never been keen on holding my hand. I’d prefer it if he showed me some affection. It’s a small thing that reassures me about the relationship.
Hugo says he likes to keep his hands free to gesticulate, and that he doesn’t like public displays of affection, but hand-holding is pretty low down on the rung of the PDA ladder. In my family, we are quite huggy and used to touching. Hugo went to boarding school and I’m convinced that’s why he doesn’t like it. I went to school round the corner from my house. I still hold my mum’s hand when we’re out.
Sometimes it bothers me when we are in a group and I see other people doing it. I say: “Hugo, just man up and hold my hand.” But he doesn’t like being asked.
Once, he did take my hand in front of my friends. They took a photo for a laugh as it’s such a rare sighting. It’s become a running joke among my friends and family.
There are times he will take my hand for a bit, but then, as an excuse to stop, he’ll go to pick something up and make out he needs both hands free to do it.
Hugo is a lovely boyfriend and does lots of really nice things for me. It’s just that hand-holding is such a rare occurrence for us. When we moved house and had a really stressful day, we decided to go to the pub to drown our sorrows. I was exhausted, and to my delight, Hugo voluntarily took my hand. He realised in a time of stress that it’s a nice thing to do. I commented on it as it felt so unusual. I said, “Wow, is this because we’re having a bad day?” He just smiled.
On our anniversary, he might hold my hand, as it’s a special occasion. If it’s just us two in the park with nobody else around and he’s in a good mood, he might do it for a bit.
If it’s Valentine’s Day, I might get a few minutes.
I don’t want to guilt-trip him into doing it more often, but it would make me feel more secure in the relationship.
The defence: Hugo
I find holding hands annoying. Besides, I’m quite caring and I tell her I love her on a daily basis
I find it embarrassing to be really affectionate in front of friends and family. It makes me feel uncomfortable. Granted, hand-holding isn’t the worst type of PDA: it’s better than all that relentless hugging people do, but I still don’t like it.
I show love for her in many other ways. I’m chivalrous, I always hold doors open. I’m the service-provider in our relationship – I sort out all the bills and I always walk on the outside of the pavement whenever we’re together.
I just hate hand-holding. Hands get sweaty after a few minutes and I find it annoying and impractical. If you’re holding hands with someone, you have to keep rearranging yourself to avoid taking people out in the street, or getting wrapped around a lamp-post. Whenever I see a lamp-post within 50 metres, I use it as an excuse to let go and say: “Oh look, we need to detach.”
Chantelle likes the performative nature of hand-holding. If we’re with her sister or friends and they are holding hands, she gets jealous. But if we are around single people, I think holding hands makes people feel as if they are third-wheeling. I find her insistence on it really annoying. It makes me feel as though I’m a bad person, but I’m actually quite caring. I tell Chantelle I love her on a daily basis.
My family don’t do affection. I was cast out to boarding school from the age of seven, so that’s definitely got something to do with it. We had a matron who might have occasionally hugged us as children. Or if we were upset, the head of house would pat us on the head and say: “Get up, boy.”
But I’m not cold. I’m aware I am being unfair to Chantelle, but I can be reasonable. On her birthday, she said: “I have the right to more affection,” and I let her cash-in her hand-holding tokens for about five minutes. And when we moved house I thought hand-holding would help her, and it did.
It’s become a bit of a currency. I know I can score brownie points if I hold her hand. The fact that I actually don’t go for those obvious brownie points actually shows my resolve.
The jury of Guardian readers
Even if it’s not Hugo’s love language, Chantelle has the right to request affection. Holding hands requires minimal effort, and relationships are built on compromise. It’s time for Hugo to break his family’s cycle and take Chantelle’s hand.
Rhiannon, 32
Hugo is self-aware enough to understand his inability to express affection and that Chantelle needs more affection from him. Intentionally withholding and deploying it transactionally is a clear sign he prioritises his comfort over her needs.
Max, 33
Understandable as Hugo’s discomfort around hand-holding is, he needs to take himself less seriously. Yes, Chantelle’s desire to hold hands in public may be a little performative, but considering something so innocuous matters so much to her, surely the way forward is for Hugo to get out of his comfort zone and start feeling the love?
Jack, 20
As a former boarder, I empathise with Hugo. Intimacy wasn’t modelled to him so it isn’t comforting. I’m on Chantelle’s side though because I want Hugo to be able to trust that affection is neither transactional nor threatening. Chantelle, take the pressure off so he can learn to enjoy feeling loved!
Leah, 41
Some people just don’t enjoy a lot of physical touch, and that should be OK. It sounds as if Hugo tries to find other ways to show affection. Maybe they can continue to find new ways to demonstrate their love.
Annie, 49
Now you be the judge
In our online poll, tell us: should Hugo hold Chantelle’s hand?
The poll closes on Wednesday 25 March at 9am GMT
Last week’s results
We asked if Amy should stop warming her mug and then pouring the water back into the kettle
52% of you said yes – Amy is guilty
48% of you said no – Amy is innocent
