Why Can’t I Find Love? Here Are 7 Expert-Approved Reasons

Falling in love is one of the most wonderful and miraculous feelings a person can experience. There’s a reason why countless songs, poems, and renowned pieces of literature are dedicated to capturing the joy and thrill of being head over heels—and it’s safe to say that it can often seem like the entire world revolves around this blissful emotion. But what many fail to realize is that finding love isn’t as easy as it’s portrayed in the movies. Oftentimes, getting to this euphoric feeling can appear out of reach and impossible for some, with many individuals asking themselves, “Why can’t I find love?”

Does this sound familiar to you? Don’t worry, you’re not alone. In fact, asking this self-reflective question is necessary if you want to alter your current situation. “The first step in changing any dating pattern is getting to the root from which the issue stems,” says Roxy Zarrabi, a clinical psychologist who specializes in relationships. That’s why we put together this guide to help you dig deep and get to the core of why you might be struggling to find love. Ahead, here are seven reasons you can’t encounter a genuine and lasting connection, including tips on what to do to break free from this pattern.

You’re Picking Unavailable People

If you were to look back at your dating history, how would you characterize the people you’ve been with? “If you consciously want a lasting relationship but keep getting a different result, you may be subconsciously drawn to unavailable partners,” says Zarrabi. In other words, you may be attracted to people who can’t really give you what you need and deserve; you may find yourself drawn to men who don’t want to be tied down or to women who are only interested in a fling or being friends with benefits.

If finding love is truly a priority for you, though, Zarrabi recommends making a list of red flags that previous emotionally unavailable partners exhibited. Review the list often—especially when dating someone new—and keep an eye out for the signs. She also suggests evaluating your own attachment style and the attachment style of partners you’re typically drawn to for insight into how and why you might be repeating the same mistakes. It’s this type of self-awareness that will help you find someone who wants the same things you do and increase your chances of falling in love.

You’re Afraid of Failing in Your Relationship

“Some folks will go into relationships knowing that it will end instead of trying to make it work,” shares licensed mental health counselor Wale Okerayi. “Or, some folks are so afraid of failing in their relationships that they leave at the sight of any conflict.” Don’t let this be you! Always remember that every relationship takes hard work—and disagreements are inevitable. Learning from these rough patches—and moving past them—is what makes a strong, long-lasting, and loving union thrive.

You’re Scared of Getting Hurt

Breakups can be devastating, and if you’ve been hurt or betrayed by someone in the past, it can be challenging to press the restart button and open up to someone new. “Perhaps you consciously want commitment, but deep down you fear true intimacy, losing your sense of self in the relationship, or getting hurt,” says Zarrabi.

But in order to find true love, you have to let yourself be vulnerable again, as it’s the only way for this deep and personal connection to take place. When you put up walls, keep your partner at arm’s length, and refuse to let them get close to you, finding love will be extremely difficult because your connection will never move beyond a shallow and superficial level. You have to risk getting hurt in order to find love—and even if it seems difficult to trust someone with your heart, it’s worth taking this leap of faith.

You’re Unsure of What You Want in a Partner

Here’s the honest truth: If don’t know what you want in a partner, you’re going to have a very difficult time dating and finding love. Having a clear understanding of the type of person you want to be with will allow you to “prioritize these particular themes while getting to know people in the beginning,” says Okerayi. However, she does note that it will take time to figure out exactly what you need. “It is important to know what values, beliefs, and morals you are looking for in a partner, but it takes a lot of trial and error to figure these things out,” she further explains. “It’s also important to not have an idealized version of a partner or relationship.”

That being said, never expect someone to change for you if they don’t align with what you desire. Bernstein says to remember that while people can sometimes surprise us, generally what you see is what you get. “Don’t make the mistake of unfairly expecting someone you like to be more like the way you want them to be,” he explains. Sticking around in the hopes that someone will change for the better will likely only lead to disappointment.

You Don’t Think You Deserve Love

Confidence and self-esteem play a vital role when it comes to love. That’s why many people are unable to find love because they don’t think they’re worthy of having it. “It’s tough trying to find love if you are unsure about how you want to be seen and loved,” notes Okerayi. Meaning, if you’re someone who struggles with low self-esteem and intense feelings of self-doubt, it’s time to recognize that this lack of confidence is affecting your behavior and keeping others at bay.

“Bringing these beliefs and associated feelings into conscious awareness and practicing affirmations that counteract these beliefs can be a key step in deprogramming these beliefs,” recommends Zarrabi. It can also be beneficial to explore these feelings with the help of a therapist or counselor. Okerayi adds: “Doing the work to begin to love yourself will help you advocate for the love you require in a partnership. In order to find love, one has to understand themselves, their triggers, their behaviors, and their patterns in order to go into a relationship feeling grounded.”

By changing your outlook and choosing to focus on the positives in your life rather than the negatives, you’ll be better able to see that you’re a special and amazing person who deserves true happiness and love. Put another way: “Know your value!” says Bernstein. “If you do then that alone will help you find a healthy partner because you will stay determined to find someone who accepts and treasures you for who you are.” Best of all, when you’re able to see and believe that you’re worth it, others will be drawn to your upbeat energy and positive vibes, and love is more likely to come your way.

You’re Settling

It’s important to set high standards for yourself. So rather than being with someone because you’re afraid of living alone or you’ve been together for a prolonged period of time, you should choose to be with someone because he or she makes you happy, as this is the only way to find true love. Always assess whether you want to be with someone for the right reasons; if your relationship desires are based on money, convenience, or a lack of other options, love will not come your way.

None of this is to say that you should have an exhaustive list of must-haves in a potential mate, however. In fact, being open to people you might not consider “your type” could lead to more success than not, especially if you have a history of choosing the wrong partners. Zarrabi warns against discounting someone if you don’t feel an immediate spark, too—especially if that spark has led you down the wrong road in the past. “Try to keep an open mind and go out with this person on a few dates to see if there is potential for a genuine connection to grow between the two of you,” she suggests. Sometimes the best match might be the one you least expect.

You’re Not Putting Yourself Out There

From a young age, we’re taught by movies, books, and the likes that love will find us—it will just fall out of the sky and we’ll know when it’s right. But as lovely as that sounds, it’s not true for most of us. Finding love takes real work, and it’s truly a numbers game. The more you put yourself out there, the more likely you are to find love (yes, it’s that simple!). “We are all very busy individuals and the idea of getting to know someone doesn’t always feel appealing to many. But you can’t find love without dating and spending time with someone,” Okerayi shares.

This also means you should try out different places and step outside of your comfort zone when dating. If you go to the same bars every weekend, resist joining a dating app, and don’t actively take more opportunities to try to meet others, you’re hurting your chances of finding someone of interest. By spicing up your routine and putting yourself out there in new ways, you can increase your chances of finding someone with whom you truly connect. When you prioritize dating and say “yes” to new activities, pastimes, and pursuits, you’re one step closer to finding love.​