I can’t find the right way to express my anger.
I was looking for a song to sing when I asked my cousin to do karaoke night with me, but I couldn’t find the right one because every rage song I found made me feel like I’m the bad guy.
Good 4 U.
Happier.
Bernadya.
I don’t know… what else?
I can’t find my rage song.
I need my rage song.
I need to express my feelings, but I can’t find the way.
There will always be days when I need to isolate myself , to run away from the chaos of the world and the loudness in my head.
I keep rethinking and introspecting myself, because I know I had my faults too.
I know I also contributed to their pain.
I thought I was being blunt enough to tell them about my feelings.
I told them, in every letter I sent, what I wanted and what I felt.
I told them to hold themselves back.
I made distance.
I pushed them away.
I asked them every time:
“Am I what you want?”
“Am I really the one for you?”
“Does your heart break when you have to make my happiness your priority?”
I asked those questions every single time.
So where’s the part where I wasn’t being honest?
But the way they told the story it’s like I never did any of that.
I was open about what I was struggling with after the breakup.
I told them about what I feel and how I cope with it. I told them I’m not the type who shares my feelings publicly.
I’m pretty sure not everyone wants to know how I feel.
I grieve in silence.
My quietness is louder than tidal waves.
But they misunderstood me , they thought I was happy and free after the breakup,
just because they couldn’t see which part of me was still grieving for what we had.
I even asked them about our boundaries — what to do and what not to do.
But again, the way they told the story made it sound like I never did that part.
You lost your lover and your best friend.
But I lost my lover too.
And I lost myself.
I lost myself while trying so hard to be the stable one for you.
I lost myself while killing my own feelings just to be “enough” for you to be stable for us.
I lost myself, drowning in a deep ocean, unable to find my way back home.
I thought I was strong enough.
I thought I was steady.
I thought I could be emotionally intelligent for you.
But every time I tried so hard, you kept throwing your emotions at me.
You kept having tantrums, and we ended up fighting because we couldn’t understand each other’s emotions.
I failed to stay steady because of the overwhelming emotions I received from you. And when I set my boundaries to get not too hurt, you told me that I was throwing you like trash.
And in the end — I lost everything.
