Jake, 30
We waited until the fourth date to have sex. Leo then told me he was in an open relationship, but they were on the rocks
Leo and I first kissed on the dancefloor of a techno club in Hamburg 10 years ago, but we didn’t see each other again until 2020, when he messaged to say he was visiting London. Because of lockdown, we would meet up and have deep chats on park benches in the freezing cold, getting to know each other very quickly. We bonded over similar backgrounds – we’re very close to our families, who have always been loving and accepting of us being gay.
We waited until the fourth date to have sex. Leo then told me he was in an open relationship, but they were on the rocks. I said if you want me, you’ll have to end it with him. So he did. Leo has only ever been in open relationships, whereas I’ve always been monogamous, which has been a bit of an issue between us. I’m also only really interested in being a submissive bottom, whereas Leo’s versatile, and I’m conscious that an open relationship would give him the chance to flip more.
When I tell other gay men that Leo and I are monogamous, it’s as though I’ve said we have the strangest kink. After a year together, we moved to Berlin, and the sex-positive culture made me more open-minded about non-monogamy. We tried opening up our relationship after I moved back to London earlier this year, but quickly closed it again. The idea is hot, but actually, there’s a lot of admin involved for what will realistically be worse sex. I love romance, and there’s something very unromantic about telling your partner about the things you’ve done with other men.
Now we’re long distance, if we haven’t seen each other for weeks, there’s anticipation that the sex is going to be amazing. But if Leo is exhausted after flying into Luton at 11pm, and I have to get up early for work, it can be disappointing. Talking through the reasons why takes the pressure off.
Hopefully, Leo is my for ever person, so there’s something freeing yet safe about focusing on our careers right now, then coming back together when we’re ready.
Leo, 29
Because I’ve only ever been in open relationships, we had different expectations. The idea that I’d sleep with one person for the rest of my life was odd to me
My relationship was falling apart while I was getting to know Jake, and I ended things with my boyfriend soon after we started dating. Compared with my ex, being with Jake felt so easy. The first time we had sex, it was passionate and exciting. It’s a stereotype that gay people hook up immediately – we let the tension build.
Because I’ve only ever been in open relationships, we had different expectations. The idea that I’d sleep with one person for the rest of my life was odd to me – I never thought I would end up in a monogamous relationship. I used to think open relationships were an evolved version of monogamy, but I no longer think I’m missing out on anything.
When we moved to Berlin together, I was working in a hospital doing night shifts, while Jake worked from home, waiting for me to return. I was drained, and because I’m the dominant top, which requires more energy, I wanted to have sex less than he did. There was friction, but once we spoke about it, we both realised the other person was suffering, and that empathy made the sex even better.
When Jake is more dominant, it shows he’s making an effort, which I appreciate. Ideally, our dominant-submissive roles would be more equal, but relationships always involve some level of compromise.
Jake didn’t settle very well in Germany, and I didn’t want him to end up resenting me if I made him stay longer than the three years we’d agreed on. Since he moved back to the UK, we no longer share the intimate, everyday moments, such as cooking and watching TV together. But sex feels special again. We make more of an effort, experiment more and take a lot more time – foreplay is longer, sex is longer, and we cuddle after for longer. It feels like the beginning of the relationship.
